Brides for Jesus

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Shulem
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Brides for Jesus

Post by Shulem »

My question is directed to the female members of the board because only they are qualified to answer the question. In a nutshell, I'm interested/curious on how many of the sisters have at anytime in their lives for whatever reason contemplated the idea or possibility of becoming an actual Bride of Christ, marrying him in the hereafter, being a member of his celestial harem as an eternal wife.

Any takers?

[ ] Yes
[ ] No

If yes, tell me more, pretty please!

P.S. All sisters are invited to answer, including Jersey Girl.

:razz:

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MsJack
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by MsJack »

I used to run the Facebook group, Polygamy Assassin Sister-Wives of Jesus, based on the famous Del Parson painting of the subject.
"It seems to me that these women were the head (κεφάλαιον) of the church which was at Philippi." ~ John Chrysostom, Homilies on Philippians 13

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Shulem
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Shulem »

MsJack wrote:I used to run the Facebook group, Polygamy Assassin Sister-Wives of Jesus, based on the famous Del Parson painting of the subject.


That's interesting and thanks for sharing.

I think there are and have been many women in the church that have contemplated the very idea that they may be called and chosen to become a Bride of Christ because they did not have the opportunity to be married in mortality. Mormonism in itself opens the door to all kinds of fantasies and fancies! Surely there are sisters that have contemplated this matter and there may even be some who feel they have been foreordained and called to become a Bride of Christ and looking forward in earnest to their future wedding in heaven.

Here is a photo of Christ and some some sweet cherries:

Image

candygal
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by candygal »

No!

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Doctor CamNC4Me
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Doctor CamNC4Me »

I mean, you’re an honorary sister, Shulem. Have you fantasized about being one of Jesus’ little cherries? Didn’t he have a favorite apostle, ifyouknowwhatimean?

- Doc
In the face of madness, rationality has no power - Xiao Wang, US historiographer, 2287 AD.

Understanding the world as an amoral, chaotic system that is in a constant flux of competing entities all driven by an innate biological determinism is both redpilled and blackpilled.

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Shulem
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Shulem »

Doctor CamNC4Me wrote:I mean, you’re an honorary sister, Shulem. Have you fantasized about being one of Jesus’ little cherries? Didn’t he have a favorite apostle, ifyouknowwhatimean?

- Doc


That's a legitimate question, my dear Prince CamNC4Me. But truth be told, I've never in my life had any romantic feelings or thoughts of Jesus. The plethora of artistic depictions of Jesus from various religious genre and style are not at all to my liking. I think he's gross looking. The LDS attempts to soften him and make him look more personable do nothing to change my view. I've never had a desire or thought to run off and have a love affair with Heavenly Father's Firstborn Son.

PS. I think Jesus looks better without a beard and long hair.

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Kishkumen
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Kishkumen »

I think it was Jeff Kripal of Rice University who argued that Christianity is a male homoerotic religion with little place for the divine feminine. If guys want to Jones for the divine feminine, they are better off worshipping Kali. If ladies want a celestial bull, Zeus is the pick.
“God came to me in a dream last night and showed me the future. He took me to heaven and I saw Donald Trump seated at the right hand of our Lord.” ~ Pat Robertson
“He says he has eyes to see things that are not . . . and that the angel of the Lord . . . has put him in possession of great wealth, gold, silver, precious stones.” ~ Jesse Smith

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moksha
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by moksha »

Kishkumen wrote:If ladies want a celestial bull, Zeus is the pick.

Or even a randy swan.
Cry Heaven and let loose the Penguins of Peace

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Dr Exiled
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Dr Exiled »

I like the thought of Jesus on the old 70's bachelor T.V. show.

And now our bachelor. He loves walking on the waves instead of surfing. He'll turn water into any alcoholic beverage the ladies want and he won't arrive quickly, ladies, wink wink. He is currently looking for wife #100 Billion .....

Jesus OF NAZERETH

Image
"Religion is about providing human community in the guise of solving problems that don’t exist or failing to solve problems that do and seeking to reconcile these contradictions and conceal the failures in bogus explanations otherwise known as theology." - Kishkumen 

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Kishkumen
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Kishkumen »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
“God came to me in a dream last night and showed me the future. He took me to heaven and I saw Donald Trump seated at the right hand of our Lord.” ~ Pat Robertson
“He says he has eyes to see things that are not . . . and that the angel of the Lord . . . has put him in possession of great wealth, gold, silver, precious stones.” ~ Jesse Smith

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Doctor CamNC4Me
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Doctor CamNC4Me »

Here’s a beautiful Jesus for Shulem:

Image

- Doc
In the face of madness, rationality has no power - Xiao Wang, US historiographer, 2287 AD.

Understanding the world as an amoral, chaotic system that is in a constant flux of competing entities all driven by an innate biological determinism is both redpilled and blackpilled.

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Shulem
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Shulem »

To the Single Adult Sisters of the Church
Ezra Taft Benson
President of the Church wrote:

Some of our sisters indicate that they do not want to consider marriage until after they have completed their degrees or pursued a career. This is not right. . . . I assure you that if you have to wait even until the next life to be blessed with a choice companion, God will surely compensate you.


I'm sure President Benson would agree that sisters who delay marriage in order to pursue careers and later for whatever reason fail to marry in mortality will not be qualified or worthy to become a Bride of Christ. Only the best sisters can marry Christ. Sisters who are overly career minded or who have already been licked (Licked Cupcake) or who have Already-Been Chewed (ABC Gum) have no chance of marrying Christ. They will have to settle for one of the lesser sons of God.

It could be argued that it's unfortunate that Jesus is so picky about women. Assume also, only virgins are worthy to marry Jesus even though they have been forgiven for past transgressions. Marrying perfect Jesus is out of the question for a sister who has popped her cherry in sin. Jesus won't touch her with a ten foot pole. Such a woman is marked for eternity as unworthy of being a Bride of Christ. I'm sure there is a place in the celestial kingdom for these lesser women. They will probably have to stand at the back of the choir when singing praises to Heavenly Father.

Isn't that right, President Benson?

Doctor CamNC4Me wrote:Here’s a beautiful Jesus for Shulem:

Give him a haircut and a clean shave and it's a go.

Hell Yeah! There is plenty of Jesus for everyone to go around.

:biggrin:

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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by kairos »

MsJack wrote:I used to run the Facebook group, Polygamy Assassin Sister-Wives of Jesus, based on the famous Del Parson painting of the subject.

That's interesting and thanks for sharing.

I think there are and have been many women in the church that have contemplated the very idea that they may be called and chosen to become a Bride of Christ because they did not have the opportunity to be married in mortality. Mormonism in itself opens the door to all kinds of fantasies and fancies! Surely there are sisters that have contemplated this matter and there may even be some who feel they have been foreordained and called to become a Bride of Christ and looking forward in earnest to their future wedding in heaven.

Here is a photo of Christ and some some sweet cherries:

i cannot perceive of how this conversation might go!

Back in RCC land in the 30s 40's 50's nuns actually dressed in bridal gowns and were betrothed to Jesus ,wedding band and all, prior to pronouncing their final vows of poverty chastity and obedience.

someone more tech savy than i can probably download those creepy photos and maybe even the whole ceremony!

k

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Shulem
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Shulem »

Shulem wrote:Such a woman is marked for eternity as unworthy of being a Bride of Christ. I'm sure there is a place in the celestial kingdom for these lesser women. They will probably have to stand at the back of the choir when singing praises to Heavenly Father.

Sister Molly Mormon to Sister Licked Cupcake wrote:Sister, you'll please go to the back row with the other sisters who were less faithful on earth. Please put on your veil and cover your face lest Father remember your shame.

Image

I'm afraid that not even the Atonement of Christ has the power to unlick a cupcake.

Shulem wrote: Only the best sisters can marry Christ. Sisters who are overly career minded or . . . . who have Already-Been Chewed (ABC Gum) have no chance of marrying Christ. They will have to settle for one of the lesser sons of God.

I'm sorry, sister, but Jesus is NOT going to want to marry you. You blew it when you popped your cherry!

Image

Only the most virtuous and righteous are worthy to be called and chosen as Brides of Christ.

Imagine being married to the Firstborn Son, the Savior and Redeemer -- the Second Member of the Godhead!

Surely these sisters are more special than the rest. Sisters, if you're not marrying Jesus then you're not getting the best. Think about that.

Image

He chose me over the others!

Image

How many LDS women have or do now secretly wish they could be married to Jesus in the hereafter? Think of it? Being married to Christ and bearing his children in heaven would surely place those sisters above the rest.

I think there are more than we might think. What about YOU, sister? Care to confess your deepest and most secret desires?

Will Christ call you to be a Bride?

kairos
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by kairos »

Shulem wrote:Image

How many LDS women have or do now secretly wish they could be married to Jesus in the hereafter? Think of it? Being married to Christ and bearing his children in heaven would surely place those sisters above the rest.

I think there are more than we might think. What about YOU, sister? Care to confess your deepest and most secret desires?

Will Christ call you to be a Bride?

From Aladdin:

"I can show the world, shining shimmering splendid - tell me princess when did you last let your heart decide - I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder, over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride - a whole new world! a fantastic point of view, no one to tell us no or where to go, or that we are only dreaming" Walt Disney copyright Alan Menken

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Shulem
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Shulem »

Exiled wrote: He is currently looking for wife #100 Billion .....

Jesus OF NAZERETH

Having a hundred billion wives may make it difficult for Polygamous Jesus to return the child to the proper mother.

Image

Oh baby, you're gonna to be my favorite! Up we go!

Image

But, O Lord Jesus, my gown is slipping and my shoulder is showing!

Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads?

Dear Heavenly Father,

We thank thee for our many blessings.

We ask thee to reveal whom Jesus most prefers when it comes to loving women: Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads? We ask thee so that we may better understand Jesus's secret desires and that all the sisters in heaven will also know who excites him the most.

We thank thee for hearing our prayer, Father.

In the name of Jesus Christ,

Amen.

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Shulem
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Shulem »

Dear Dr. Shades,

I assume it was you that kicked this thread down from the Terrestrial Forum into the Telestial.

I'm curious why you did this? What is your reasoning in determining that the subject matter above should be Telestial content?

Thanks,

Shulem

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Dr. Shades
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Dr. Shades »

The phrase "popped her cherry" is both incredibly sexist and wholly neanderthal.
"Finally, for your rather strange idea that miracles are somehow linked to the amount of gay sexual gratification that is taking place would require that primitive Christianity was launched by gay sex, would it not?"

--Louis Midgley

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Shulem
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Shulem »

Dr. Shades wrote:The phrase "popped her cherry" is both incredibly sexist and wholly neanderthal.


That may be so, but that doesn't make it rated R, does it? It seemed to me that it was all PG-13 material. Being sexist and neanderthal doesn't necessarily make it rated R. To me it was all in bubble gum fun, pop!

Thanks for the explanation.

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cwald
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by cwald »

Very entertaining thread.

I wish more of the women would respond.
"Jesus gave us the gospel, but Satan invented church. It takes serious evil to formalize faith into something tedious and then pile guilt on anyone who doesn’t participate enthusiastically." - Robert Kirby

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson

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Dr. Shades
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Re: Brides for Jesus

Post by Dr. Shades »

Shulem wrote:To me it was all in bubble gum fun, pop!

That doesn't surprise me at all.
"Finally, for your rather strange idea that miracles are somehow linked to the amount of gay sexual gratification that is taking place would require that primitive Christianity was launched by gay sex, would it not?"

--Louis Midgley

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