My Shepherd Will Supply My Need is on the MOTAB cd 'Peace like a River', too.

I think my favorite hymn in the book is "Lead Kindly Light", though it doesn't seem to get much play in sacrament meeting. I also like a good men's chorus of "Brightly Beams our Father's Mercy" but it might just be becaus its the only hymn with the word "seamen" in it. (sorry, just trying to be funny).

What ruins a lot of the songs for me though is how slow they are sung. My wife is the organist and she and the chorister can never get the audience moving. They try to speed it up but it invariably just slows back down. A song like "I believe in Christ" can take like 10 minutes, loooooonnnngggg and slooooooowwwwww.

But overall, singing hymns is my favorite part of church (though I don't get to do it much because I'm battling with a baby and three other kids while my wife plays!)

Come on, everyone! Sing it with me now...!


There is Beauty All Around

There is beauty all around When there's wives at home;
There's always a girl to pound When there's wives at home.
Peace and plenty would abide, if, one wife, you had to ride.
But not with three, or four, or five, When there's wives at home.
Got a bone, where’s the phone? I’ve got a Johnson that needs a slide, When there’s wives at home.

In the garden, behind a tree, When there's wives at home;
Always someone pleasing me, When there's wives at home.
In the bedroom of my third, I pretended to offer a soft, sweet word
But we all know that that’s absurd, When there's wives at home.
Got a stick, hard as a brick, my eighteenth wife should do the trick, When there's wives at home.

God wants you to spread your seed, When there's wives at home;
No matter how many mouths to feed, When there's wives at home.
Who’s my daughter? Who’s your son? You don’t know? You aren’t the only one!
We have no idea, but isn’t this fun? When there's wives at home.
Got a rod, long as a cod, I’ll let you know when I am done, When there's wives at home.

Good going, Schmo. You just managed to make me like that song less...

That song is used almost exclusively in a sarcastic way at my house. When the kids are fighting or there's chaos in the house, my wife will belt out "There is beauty all around, when there's love at hoooooommmme."

When I hear it in church, it makes me laugh, and my wife will always give me a knowing smile.

You know...it's been a while since they have updated the hymnal. I think that you should submit this for consideration!

LOL

That is so funny, Runtu. That song was used in the exact same way around our house too. Generally, the kids would sing it when dad got upset. Nothing like throwing the church back in your parents' faces.

:)

Please stand and sing...


The World Has Need of Mindless Men

The world has need of mindless men, Who hold no true appeal,
To fill the churches on Sunday, Put your shoulder to the wheel.
Put your shoulder to the wheel; push along, We don’t care how you feel; that’s the song,
Live in the murk, what a great perk! Put your shoulder to the wheel.

The church has need of willing drones, Who will buy the unreal.
Come, put your cash in our large bank, Put your shoulder to the wheel.
Put your shoulder to the wheel; push along, We don’t care how you feel; that’s the song,
We like to lurk and watch you work. Put your shoulder to the wheel.

Then don’t be having fun at all, Don’t lie or cheat or steal,
Don’t do the things that we all do, Put your shoulder to the wheel.
Put your shoulder to the wheel; push along, We don’t care how you feel; that’s the song,
We have a quirk: we like free work. Put your shoulder to the wheel.

Then fast and tithe and meet all day, You act like our trained seal.
Push all your needs aside for us, Put your shoulder to the wheel.
Put your shoulder to the wheel; push along, We don’t care how you feel; that’s the song,
So do your work; don’t be a jerk. Put your shoulder to the wheel.

LOL!

I'll never be able to sing "Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel" with a straight face again!

Come, come, ye Saints, no contraception use;
But with joy procreate.
Though parenthood you're not ready to choose,
'Tis your duty to mate.
So don't delay, get into bed
For that's the reason you have wed.
Make tabernacles for those souls —
Pregnancy, that's the goal!

Why should you wait until you're on your feet?
God's not pleased if you delay.
You may end up living on the street,
But heaven's reward he will pay.
Gird up your loins, forget the pill;
Make no excuse, just say you will.
And soon your family will swell —
And you'll know all is well!

You'll know the reason God sent you to earth.
Without the priesthood, you're out of luck.
You'll know you're here simply to give birth.
To do that, you must f***.
Be grateful for your lot in life
You're destiny is to be a wife.
And hearken to your husband's command;
After all, he's the man.

And should you die in giving others life,
Happy day! All is well!
Your husband's free to get another wife;
And she'll share him with you.
But if you live to give birth again
Be happy, sister, and don't complain.
And when we see your belly swell —
All is well! All is well!

Just when we had Will sympathizing with us and joing in with the MDB group, we've degenerated into .....


having a lot more fun than we could have ever had on the MADness board. ;)

Keep it up you guys.

But, Will, hey, stay around.

Admit it: we are a fun group with a damn good sense of humour!

Pretty funny, Runtu!


The Iron Rod

To Nephi, seer of olden time, A vision came from God,
A big red circle with a cross, inside, an iron rod.
Hold not the rod, the iron rod, 'though strong, and almost blue.
You oughtn’t go and touch it; with no girl you shouldn’t spew.

I know it’s hard to think about, the girls you’ve seen before
And resist the fun of stroking it, sometimes till it gets sore.
Hold not the rod, the iron rod; 'It will go down on you.
Just wait it out, just let it pass, and save life-giving goo.

And when temptation's pow'r is nigh, yourself, you cannot kid,
When you just can't help yourself, and go and milk your squid,
Hold to the rod, the iron rod; 'You might as well go through.
The iron rod makes you say, “God!” Now here, use this tissue.

Schmo and Runtu, you guys are a riot - if not a bit gross and disturbed, lol! Your song parodies are cracking me up!

And, like Gramps, I hope Will isn't frightened away by the latest additions to the thread. I was hoping to build enough rapport with him that he would play the organ for us this October at exmo conference. :)

Gramps or Will, if I PM or email one of you, would you send me the mp3 files to the hymns you're both enjoying?

Thanks,

Kimberly Ann

Thank you, thank you very much. Now I'd like to slow things down a little bit and get serious with a little number I like to call...


There is a Green Hill Far Away

There is a green hill far away, With mushrooms growing wild,
I picked a few, and ate them too, and felt at once a child.
I fell asleep and had a dream, I found a church of true
Down into the rabbit hole I fell, as if out of the blue
Logic had no place in there, the animals did talk
They told me what to say and feel and never think to balk
You shouldn’t run away from us, we’ll come and hunt you down,
But dreams do fade, I’ve woken now, to the real life I’ve found.

Let's liven things up again!


We Thank Thee, O God, For the Profit

We thank thee, O God, for the profit, That we make off shopping malls
We thank thee for sending stupid men Man, that must have taken balls.
We thank thee for every blessing Bestowed to your precious twelve
We feel it a pleasure to serve me, While they put their lives on the shelf.
When dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us And threaten our carefully spun tale
We can just have another vision, And then put that one out for sale.
We doubt not the power of our bulls*** We’ve proven it lots of times
We’re wicked at screwing over people, At this, we really shine.
We’ll sing of our greatness and mercy We’ll pretend to be real good
Admire ourselves at the pulpit, If we could dance, we’re sure we would.
If we can keep them all distracted, With the work from five to nine
And make sure the money’s always rolling in, We’re sure we’ll be just fine.

Kind of conjures up the image of James Mason as Captain Nemo playing the organ aboard the Nautilus...

I just can't seem to help myself...


Ere You Left the Church this Morning

Ere you left the church this morning, Did you think to pay?
In the name of God, good people, Did you buy this month’s forgiveness as you left today?
Oh how paying makes it better! Tithes will change the night to day.
So, before you change your sweater, Don't forget to pay.

When your bookie’s calling nightly, Did you think to pay?
Did you plead for life, my brother, Just a day! To have another, Before he breaks your leg?
Oh how paying rests the hunted! Tithes will change the night to day.
So, when your future’s looking stunted, Don't forget to pay.

And soon your life is at an end, Did you think to pay?
All the cash you had to borrow, To avoid most certain sorrow What else can you say?
Oh how paying soothes the passed on! Tithes will change the night to day.
So, when your body has a cast on, Don't forget to pay.

I give Schmo's literary achievements all the credit they deserve. He seems to have found his true calling in life. He's made such a good start, perhaps he should consider compiling the collection into his own hymn book.

And no, I feel no fear as I tread the winding paths here in Shadyland. I am like Quai Chang Caine walking through the rattlesnakes in the pit -- though I walk through the valley of the Shadyville bottoms, I will fear no evil. My baseball bat and my .45, they comfort me. My wife still prepares my lunch and serves me it in the presence of my enemies. She anointeth me with sloppy kisses -- my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and chocolate ice cream will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

By the way, I was at the exmo conference last October, at least for the final evening, but I didn't see an organ there. Was it hidden behind the bar? ;-)



Go ahead and PM me your e-mail address and I'll send you the same songs I sent to gramps.

Your baseball bat and your .45 comfort you? Do you also live in the South, Will? I have a concealed carry permit, lol, though I don't actually carry anything!

I guess you came to hear Brent Metcalfe? I was there, also. In a rather infamous black dress...

And no, there was no organ behind the bar. I was over there enough that if there were an organ, I would have noticed it. There was, however, a piano.

KA

KA,

Don't read too much into the comment about the baseball bat and the .45. Truth be told, I really don't even have a .45. I have a wimpy little Browning .22 pistol. But I can put ten holes in a soda can at 30 yards with it. And so can my 14-year-old daughter. We're not much on slaying woodland creatures, although the two of us did draw deer permits this year for the first time in several years. So I guess we'll try to put some venison on the table during the cold winter months.

I did go to the exmo conference to hear Brent. And believe me, I remember very well you and your black dress. As I recall, you were struggling to keep the girls tucked in securely. ;-) But don't worry, I didn't feel threatened or ashamed. If one views God as an artist, then certainly the female breast is one of His masterpieces.

By the way, I tried to send a song to your e-mail address, but the e-mail came back undeliverable because it says it exceeded your size limitation. The file is 7MB -- not really that large. Even web-based services usually permit up to 10MB in attachments. So, you'll either have to go without, or give me a different address where it can tolerate the large files.

Cheers ...

I'd much rather watch woodland creatures than kill them, too. I do not like venison, either, so I'm glad my husband isn't a hunter.

I am a bit embarrassed about the dress...or rather, my nervousness in the dress that night. That was the first time I'd worn it, and I was worried about keeping my "girls" tucked in, but I've worn it since and have never had too much slippage. I bought a new red dress for this year's dinner, but the black dress is so infamous now, I may wear it again! Maybe it should be an exmo tradition. :)

I don't know why the file was too large. I only have one more address, but it's the same service. I'll see if I can find a way for you to get the songs to me or, as you say, go without. Thanks for the attempt at sending them.

KA