Revelation to Mormon Discussions recorded 19 July 2012. The Lord dishes more about his motives, his works, and progression in this exclusive revelation.1-5, Where is the Lord?; 6-7, the Lord is kind of pleased with the board but kind of not; 8-11, the mysteries of God are none of your business; 12-22, the Lord received on-the-job training; 23-26, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun; 27-36, the Lord gives answers to the prayers of certain faithful members of the board.
1. Hearken, ye people of the board, for I am the Lord, and I manifest myself unto them that seek me,
2. Yea, many shall say, Where is the Lord? Where is the Lord?
3. Here am I, here am I,
4. How art thou today, Lord? Very well, I thank thee.
5. Run and play, run and play.
6. And now I speak unto this message board, the only true and living message board upon the face of the whole internet, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, speaking unto the board collectively and not individually—
7. For I the Lord cannot look upon trolling or banality with the least degree of allowance;
8. Notwithstanding that, knock and it shall be opened unto you, seek and ye shall find,
9. Except it be things that would be expedient for thee to know, like why the manner in which I created man does not fit the evidence I have left upon the earth; or why I allow bad things to happen to good people; or other diverse mysteries that would help it all make more sense to thee and thereabouts make it a little more plausible,
10. Behold, all these things are known to me, for I am the Lord, and I could tell thee if I really wanted to, yet I do it not.
11. Ha ha.
12. Yet I will give ye people of the board some tantalizing bits here and there,
13. For my servant John saw my awesomeness, and saw that it was total,
14. And he bore record of it,
15. And I, John (for now I am quoting John, in case thou wert confused), saw that he (that means me, the Lord) received not of the fulness at the first, but received grace for grace;
16. And he received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness;
17. And this is an hard way to do things; yea, even a process of trial and error unto becoming a God;
18. For worlds without number have I made, and yet I did not have a fulness at first,
19. Even that you have to figure out some of this being the Lord thing as you go;
20. And thus it came to pass that there were some worlds where man evolved from the pineapple; and other worlds that ended up being not quite round like unto a sphere, and high tide was a mighty consternation for the people near the oceans thereof, I can tell thee;
21. Yea, and there are a certain number of sentient pogo sticks in heaven, which are driving I, the Lord, out of my eternal mind; nevertheless, I got mixed up on that world, and these pogo sticks kept all the laws and ordinances of the gospel, and I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say, so I was constrained to exalt these pogo sticks, and verily do I regret some of the experiments I tried on some of the worlds that I have heretofore formed;
22. Which seemeth crazy unto the children of men, but behold, my ways are not your ways; and it is not half as crazy as some of the things ye people post on this board; wherefore, who art thou to talk?
23. But for ye of the board, it is called today, for it is the day of the Lord; a day of sacrifice, and tithing, and shopping,
24. That ye may have hope for tomorrow, when I shall be among thee;
25. Behold, when thou thinkest of a day that is gray and lonely, thou shalt stick up they chin, and grin, and say,
26. Tomorrow, tomorrow, we love thee, tomorrow, thou art only a day away;
27. And now, inasmuch as some of my servants on this board have sought me in secret, I shall reward them openly, for the questions they have asked me in prayer are secret, but my answers shall be known before the world;
28. Unto my handmaiden Blixa, I say, it could use a touch more oregano, and maybe just a drizzle of balsamic vinegar if thou havest any on hand;
29. Unto my servant Zeezrom: yes, Optimus Prime is real, trouble me no more on this matter;
30. Unto my servant Cicero, I say: thou left it in thy sock drawer, next to those magazines thou thinkest I do not know about;
31. Unto my servant Don Bradley: Muhammad Ali had better technique, but Tyson in his prime had a lot more power and it delighted the soul to watch how quickly he knocked out his enemies, so my money would be on Tyson;
32. Unto my handmaiden Harmony: if he really will re-tile the bathroom if thou doest it, then yes, I, the Lord, think it is worth it;
33. Unto my servant Hermes: yes, thou canst use cheats, but it will disable some of the achievements on Xbox Live;
34. Unto my handmaiden MsJack: yea, I did see that guy cut thee off on the freeway the other day, and I smote him according to thy prayers;
35. Unto my servant Sethbag: the desires of thy heart are known to me, and verily, there is indeed a Hello Kitty wiki: http://hellokitty.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page;
36. And no more shall I say unto the board at this time. I, the Lord, am eastbound and down. Amen.