Mormon Jesus wrote:
Revelation to Mormon Discussions given 27 June 2012. Members of the board were wondering about the circumstances surrounding Daniel Peterson being released as the prophet....err, removed from the Mormon Studies Review. Rumors circulated among both the Saints and the wicked about a certain article that was to have been published by the Church...err, the Maxwell Institute. In response to many fervent prayers and fasting, the Lord gave that which follows.
1-4, Mortality is a period of linear time; 5-6, the Lord loses track of his thoughts; 7-8, Gerald Bradford and John Dehlin are agents of wickedness; 9-15, the work of apologists shall continue; 16-22, Bradford, Dehlin, and Satan's conspiracy explained; 23-25, the faith of the apologists will make them strong like the undead; 26-27, the Lord punishes Mormon Discussions by the mouth of his servant, Droopy; 28-32, talk that talk.
1. Now, even at this time, hearken unto the counsel which ye hast inquired of at my hand,
2. For verily, now is the time that thou shalt listen; thou canst not listen in the past, for it has already come to pass,
3. Nor can thou listen in the future, for it is not the future right now. Behold, it is now right now, and in this time of presentness shalt ye give heed,
4. For how can thou do anything in the past or the future, if thou are currently in the present?
5. Where was I? Oh, the thing with Gerald Bradford. Yea, this was the subject on which I was revealing mine words unto ye, before it came to pass that I got sidetracked with revealing the precepts of linear time;
7. Because mine apologists delivered up those writings that I inspired them to write, concerning John Dehlin, who is the anti-Christ, into the hands of a wicked man, even Gerald Bradford, behold, they have lost the power to apologize for my Church,
8. And I have taken away the use of my facilities at my holy university, and darkened their minds, and chastened them with an sore chastening,
9. Nevertheless, if they shall walk in faithfulness before me, and in no wise reconsider the pettiness of their ways, or the triviality of that about which they are willing to devote an hundred pages with extensive footnotes,
10. Behold, it shall be but a short season, and then shall they find a venue of some sort to continue their work in my name,
11. Yea, for the building up of mine kingdom, for such faith shall it take to believe the words of my apologists, that surely it taketh nothing to belief the things that are espoused by my holy Corporation,
12. Verily, there are many who are called to be apologists, but there are few who are chosen. And why are they not chosen? Because they do not learn this one lesson:
13. That when I tarried on this Earth, and made an remark about straining at a gnat but swallowing a camel, this was not an admonition, but a commandment!
14. And if ye understand this saying, and have desires to apologize for my holy Corporation, behold, thou art called to the work,
15. Be thou therefore vigilant in whom ye trust with the apologetic articles that I have inspired, for thine enemies circle about, even as flying monkeys seeking the ruby slippers;
16. Behold, they have sought to destroy you; yea, even Gerald Bradford in whom you have trusted has sought to destroy you.
17. And for this cause I said that he is a wicked man, for he has sought to take away the university facilities wherewith you have been entrusted; and he has also sought to destroy your apologetic gifts.
18. And, behold, Satan hath put it into the hearts of these anti-Mormons to alter the words which you have caused to be written, which have gone out of publication.
19. And behold, I say unto you, that because they have altered the words, they read contrary from that which you translated and caused to be written; for now they say horrific ad hominem things about John Dehlin, which are hurtful to the feelings, when really all ye had said is that John Dehlin is a wicked man, and naughty, and to expose him for the anti-Christ that he is
20. And, on this wise, Gerald Bradford and the enemies of my Corporation, who have infiltrated my holy University, have sought to lay a cunning plan, that he may destroy this apologetic work;
21. For these enemies have put into their hearts to do this, that by lying they may say they have caught you in the words of bitterness and personal attacks and ad hominem and invective, rather than the righteous work you had really done of merely warning my people that John Dehlin is the servant of Lucifer.
22. Verily, my judgment awaits Gerald Bradford, and John Dehlin, and all those who oppose my holy apologetic work, even unto the fourth and fifth generation,
23. Behold, Bradford and all those guys have only suppressed a part of the truth which I inspired you to write; wherefore, continue thy work, and if thou shalt have faith in me, and obey my commandments, and receive mine ordinances, and shop at my mall, and stay at my hotels, and eat at my restaurants, and watch my TV stations,
24. And most of all, if thy check cleareth when thou shalt offer your tithe unto the bishop,
25. Then behold, I will make a way for the truth that is revealed through mine apologists to spring forth, even as the zombies sprung forth from the earth in the video for Michael Jackson's Thriller;
26. And it is pleasing unto me that my servant Droopy shall continue to rebuke the inhabitants of this board; yea, with much boldness, and prolixity, and all manner of metaphors,
27. And except it be that the inhabitants of this board repent, and humble themselves before me, I shall in no way cease to continue punishing them with the works of my servant, for as Pharaoh, King of Egypt, failed to submit despite the plagues I visited upon his people, so also shall the inhabitants of this board suffer the wrath of Droopy's return among you, until ye repenteth in sackcloth and ashes,
28. All things are numbered unto me, and in repentance shall thy voice cry unto me in the night,
28. Yea, one and two and a three and four
29. Come forth and let me know if you want some more
30. Thou knowest what I like, now get right;
31. Yea, talk that talk to me all night;
32. Even so. Amen.
Holy s***, At-One-Man, that's some f'n funny stuff!
You've still missed a few deserving subjects: juliann, Scribbler the Slave Trader, Judas Iscariot Hauglid, and Kevin "Allahu akbar" Graham, among others.
I look forward to the next "installment from on high" come tomorrow, assuming you've recovered your strength after tonight's "Super Swingers Special" at the CasBar