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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:32 pm 
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zeezrom wrote:
Shouldn't it be "...mine anger is kindled..."

Mormon Jesus speaks according to the infirmity of the sockpuppet he uses as his spokesman.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 6:02 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
16. Behold, they have sought to destroy you; yea, even Gerald Bradford in whom you have trusted has sought to destroy you.
17. And for this cause I said that he is a wicked man, for he has sought to take away the university facilities wherewith you have been entrusted; and he has also sought to destroy your apologetic gifts.
18. And, behold, Satan hath put it into the hearts of these anti-Mormons to alter the words which you have caused to be written, which have gone out of publication.
...
21. For these enemies have put into their hearts to do this, that by lying they may say they have caught you in the words of bitterness and personal attacks and ad hominem and invective, rather than the righteous work you had really done of merely warning my people that John Dehlin is the servant of Lucifer.


Christ, you are such a pain in the ass. I had nothing to do with this. When the news broke, I was on a private guided tour of the Holy Land!

\m/

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 6:05 pm 
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Lucifer wrote:

Christ, you are such a pain in the ass. I had nothing to do with this. When the news broke, I was on a private guided tour of the Holy Land!

\m/


Win!

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 10:52 pm 
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holy crap this thread wins the internet


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 10:56 pm 
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Cylon wrote:
holy crap this thread wins the internet


Yeah, as one of the other new guys here...I'm telling ya this is some good stuff.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:13 pm 
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Quote:
Where is my revelation?


You and I are lumped together in verse 28. No pun intended.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:17 am 
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Lucifer wrote:
Mormon Jesus wrote:
16. Behold, they have sought to destroy you; yea, even Gerald Bradford in whom you have trusted has sought to destroy you.
17. And for this cause I said that he is a wicked man, for he has sought to take away the university facilities wherewith you have been entrusted; and he has also sought to destroy your apologetic gifts.
18. And, behold, Satan hath put it into the hearts of these anti-Mormons to alter the words which you have caused to be written, which have gone out of publication.
...
21. For these enemies have put into their hearts to do this, that by lying they may say they have caught you in the words of bitterness and personal attacks and ad hominem and invective, rather than the righteous work you had really done of merely warning my people that John Dehlin is the servant of Lucifer.


Christ, you are such a pain in the ass. I had nothing to do with this. When the news broke, I was on a private guided tour of the Holy Land!

\m/

:lol:

I don't care who ya are ......... THAT'S FUNNY!


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 1:32 am 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
Revelation to Mormon Discussions given 27 June 2012. Members of the board were wondering about the circumstances surrounding Daniel Peterson being released as the prophet....err, removed from the Mormon Studies Review. Rumors circulated among both the Saints and the wicked about a certain article that was to have been published by the Church...err, the Maxwell Institute. In response to many fervent prayers and fasting, the Lord gave that which follows.

1-4, Mortality is a period of linear time; 5-6, the Lord loses track of his thoughts; 7-8, Gerald Bradford and John Dehlin are agents of wickedness; 9-15, the work of apologists shall continue; 16-22, Bradford, Dehlin, and Satan's conspiracy explained; 23-25, the faith of the apologists will make them strong like the undead; 26-27, the Lord punishes Mormon Discussions by the mouth of his servant, Droopy; 28-32, talk that talk.

1. Now, even at this time, hearken unto the counsel which ye hast inquired of at my hand,
2. For verily, now is the time that thou shalt listen; thou canst not listen in the past, for it has already come to pass,
3. Nor can thou listen in the future, for it is not the future right now. Behold, it is now right now, and in this time of presentness shalt ye give heed,
4. For how can thou do anything in the past or the future, if thou are currently in the present?
5. Where was I? Oh, the thing with Gerald Bradford. Yea, this was the subject on which I was revealing mine words unto ye, before it came to pass that I got sidetracked with revealing the precepts of linear time;
6. Anyway......
7. Because mine apologists delivered up those writings that I inspired them to write, concerning John Dehlin, who is the anti-Christ, into the hands of a wicked man, even Gerald Bradford, behold, they have lost the power to apologize for my Church,
8. And I have taken away the use of my facilities at my holy university, and darkened their minds, and chastened them with an sore chastening,
9. Nevertheless, if they shall walk in faithfulness before me, and in no wise reconsider the pettiness of their ways, or the triviality of that about which they are willing to devote an hundred pages with extensive footnotes,
10. Behold, it shall be but a short season, and then shall they find a venue of some sort to continue their work in my name,
11. Yea, for the building up of mine kingdom, for such faith shall it take to believe the words of my apologists, that surely it taketh nothing to belief the things that are espoused by my holy Corporation,
12. Verily, there are many who are called to be apologists, but there are few who are chosen. And why are they not chosen? Because they do not learn this one lesson:
13. That when I tarried on this Earth, and made an remark about straining at a gnat but swallowing a camel, this was not an admonition, but a commandment!
14. And if ye understand this saying, and have desires to apologize for my holy Corporation, behold, thou art called to the work,
15. Be thou therefore vigilant in whom ye trust with the apologetic articles that I have inspired, for thine enemies circle about, even as flying monkeys seeking the ruby slippers;
16. Behold, they have sought to destroy you; yea, even Gerald Bradford in whom you have trusted has sought to destroy you.
17. And for this cause I said that he is a wicked man, for he has sought to take away the university facilities wherewith you have been entrusted; and he has also sought to destroy your apologetic gifts.
18. And, behold, Satan hath put it into the hearts of these anti-Mormons to alter the words which you have caused to be written, which have gone out of publication.
19. And behold, I say unto you, that because they have altered the words, they read contrary from that which you translated and caused to be written; for now they say horrific ad hominem things about John Dehlin, which are hurtful to the feelings, when really all ye had said is that John Dehlin is a wicked man, and naughty, and to expose him for the anti-Christ that he is
20. And, on this wise, Gerald Bradford and the enemies of my Corporation, who have infiltrated my holy University, have sought to lay a cunning plan, that he may destroy this apologetic work;
21. For these enemies have put into their hearts to do this, that by lying they may say they have caught you in the words of bitterness and personal attacks and ad hominem and invective, rather than the righteous work you had really done of merely warning my people that John Dehlin is the servant of Lucifer.
22. Verily, my judgment awaits Gerald Bradford, and John Dehlin, and all those who oppose my holy apologetic work, even unto the fourth and fifth generation,
23. Behold, Bradford and all those guys have only suppressed a part of the truth which I inspired you to write; wherefore, continue thy work, and if thou shalt have faith in me, and obey my commandments, and receive mine ordinances, and shop at my mall, and stay at my hotels, and eat at my restaurants, and watch my TV stations,
24. And most of all, if thy check cleareth when thou shalt offer your tithe unto the bishop,
25. Then behold, I will make a way for the truth that is revealed through mine apologists to spring forth, even as the zombies sprung forth from the earth in the video for Michael Jackson's Thriller;
26. And it is pleasing unto me that my servant Droopy shall continue to rebuke the inhabitants of this board; yea, with much boldness, and prolixity, and all manner of metaphors,
27. And except it be that the inhabitants of this board repent, and humble themselves before me, I shall in no way cease to continue punishing them with the works of my servant, for as Pharaoh, King of Egypt, failed to submit despite the plagues I visited upon his people, so also shall the inhabitants of this board suffer the wrath of Droopy's return among you, until ye repenteth in sackcloth and ashes,
28. All things are numbered unto me, and in repentance shall thy voice cry unto me in the night,
28. Yea, one and two and a three and four
29. Come forth and let me know if you want some more
30. Thou knowest what I like, now get right;
31. Yea, talk that talk to me all night;
32. Even so. Amen.

Holy s***, At-One-Man, that's some f'n funny stuff!

You've still missed a few deserving subjects: juliann, Scribbler the Slave Trader, Judas Iscariot Hauglid, and Kevin "Allahu akbar" Graham, among others.

I look forward to the next "installment from on high" come tomorrow, assuming you've recovered your strength after tonight's "Super Swingers Special" at the CasBar.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 10:50 am 
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Quote:
Verily, these are mine own words, and shall never be changed nor edited. Even so. Amen.


Last edited by Mormon Jesus on Sun Apr 15, 2012 1:20 am, edited 11 times in total.


Priceless.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:28 pm 
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I <3 this 4evah

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:19 am 
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Forgive me Lord, for I am weak and have failed to follow thy just commandment. Verily I did set my board preference to 3myl_parchemin, and yea, it did give godly weight to all the sayings of this board, but also yea, it did make the words difficult to read in that tiny italic script, and therefore I did return to my previous wicked ways and use prosilver.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 3:20 pm 
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:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 3:59 pm 
God
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How can one not love Mormon Jesus?
My favorite

13. And after these things shall I appear on the board, and every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess, and every post admit, that I am the Lord, yea, all shall say, Holy Christ Almighty, the Lord has come!

All are of course spot on, but another favorite:

27. All these tribulations and more shall follow my reign upon the board, just because;

Thank you Mormon Jesus!


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 5:39 pm 
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Mormon Jesus needs to write a book. This thread is seriously awe-inspiring.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 6:25 pm 
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Dear Mormon Jesus, we thank thee that thou hast broken thy silence of a few months before the last couple of posts, and we are indeed grateful that thou hast blessed this board with thy words. We shall prepare for the great and terrible, no, scratch that, great and irritating, day of thy coming by posting preemptive apologies on our facebook walls and finally getting around to cancelling our World of Warcraft accounts. Give us the strength to endure the sock puppets of the adversary, and bless us with the gift of discernment that we may know when it is just a clueless noobie. Thus may it be according to thy will, or at least if thou sort of feelest like it, amen.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 6:59 pm 
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Mormon Jesus, a quick question if you please.

While I know you teach there is only one true baptism, is there then only one true circumcision?

Waiting with crossed knees (I know it is supposed to be bent knees but I am afraid for the "tip"),
SteelHead.

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Last edited by SteelHead on Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 6:46 am 
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Moron Jesus why do you hide behind that curtain. Can't you see us cringe at the thunderous voice that emanates from your giant head? Oh the great balls of fire that jump from your throne singe my eyebrows and force my hand to be drawn across my brow. We kneel before the great and almighty. We have traveled the road and overcome many trials to obtain this moment in your presence. The one among us who wishes to return home has obtained the object of your desire. We lay it at your feet only wishing to receive that which was promised. Yes, we seek to rise above the ground and be tossed by the winds of chance. I have more to say but this pesky dog is bothering me.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:30 pm 
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SteelHead wrote:
Mormon Jesus, a quick question if you please.

Why I know you teach there is only one true baptism, is there then only one true circumcision?

Waiting with crossed knees (I know it is supposed to be bent knees but I am afraid for the "tip"),
SteelHaead.


We must seek the wisdom of MJ to find out if blow..torches have ever been used - nay, even if it is okay to use one on a steel head ("tip"); as it seemeth to me this would be less painful than using a mere knife.

jo


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2012 4:15 pm 
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Our Mormon Jesus is and awesome Jesus indeed!

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:00 pm 
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Oh Mormon Jesus, how I have prayed these many nights; yay, have even cried. Hear my prayer, for if I sleep or am awake, I cannot tell. I know thou art able to see my meaning. Even another of your faithful servants has tried to help. If thou art teaching me a lesson, I have not yet figured it out. Nevertheless each time I close my eyes, flying anthropoids are wont to grab me. It doth frighten me much, as I am running out of time. Have mercy upon me, I pray, oh Great One.


Last edited by jo1952 on Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:02 pm 
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This is the most brilliant thing ever. So many subtle, insightful little tidbits in every post. I dare the doubters to D&C 67 this s***.

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Last edited by CaliforniaKid on Thu Feb 20, 2014 1:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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