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 Post subject: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 3:16 pm 
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I have appreciated the intriguing theories that I find LDS people sharing about what the gospel really means, or predictions about where the Church is headed. Be it Jeremy-Orbe Smith, various members at the Mormon Dungeons & Dragons board, Tobin, jo1952, new member Shixon1, or others, there is always some person whose special insights have really connected the dots. So I thought I would share some of the theories concerning the Restored Gospel that I have come up with. I would like to see other people's theories in this thread, too, if you have any.

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 3:59 pm 
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I think that at some point, the Church is going to merge with Kentucky Fried Chicken. There are simply too many common factors between LDS and KFC to write it off as mere coincidence.

The founder of KFC pretended to be a colonel. The founder of the Church pretended to be a lieutenant general.

After wandering around in New York, Ohio, Missouri, and Illinois, the Church finally found a home for itself in Utah in 1847. After wandering from town to town looking for franchisees, "Colonel" Harland Sanders found a home in Utah for the world's first KFC franchise in 1952.

KFC found a home in Utah 105 years after the Mormons found a home for themselves in Utah. Section 105 of the Doctrine and Covenants talks about monetary investments involving the Saints.

The world's first KFC franchisee (again, in Utah) was Pete Harman. "Harman" kind of rhymes with "Mormon."

This original KFC restaurant is in Salt Lake City on 3900 South. A restaurant is where people work with food. Now if we take that number 3900, we see that D&C 39 talks about working with food ("laboring in the vineyard").

Col. Sanders used to wear a white suit when he appeared in public. White clothing is worn for sacred ordinances in the Church, like baptism and temple work.

The Church teaches that we are not to drink alcoholic beverages. KFC restaurants generally do not serve alcohol.

We are often told that the Church is expanding throughout the world. So is Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The Church has long been involved with agricultural ventures that are consistent with an LDS/KFC merger:

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/08/the-m ... nd-storage

A large number of the Church’s production projects are agricultural—farms, orchards, dairy and cheese projects, livestock projects, honey projects, [note: for use in honey barbecue sauce, maybe?] poultry farms, and the like.

D&C 89:12 says that we are to use "fowls of the air" sparingly as food. But chickens are not fowls of the air. They are flightless. Therefore, there is no scriptural injunction against eating chicken as often as we want.

Both temples and KFC restaurants are dotting the earth. Temples usually have a place in them for patrons to eat. KFC is a place to eat. You can probably draw your own conclusion about the next logical step.

There are some things in the Church that we keep from the world, like the temple endowment. Similarly, the Colonel's secret blend of original herbs and spices is too sacred to talk about.

Also, the Lord has revealed that it does not matter what we eat or drink when we partake of the sacrament. So there's no reason we could not have a piece of fried chicken and a Pepsi at sacrament meeting.

If you think about it, this all makes perfect sense. I predict that it will not be long before the Bretheren announce that the Church is indeed merging with Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's an intriguing theory, at least.

_________________
And the life of the ebony clock went out with that of the last of the gay. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.


Last edited by Darth J on Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:02 pm 
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Since Joseph Smith never recorded the word "polygamy" in any of his writings, he never truly practiced it (i.e. never had sex with women other than Emma).

I learned this from the great LDS historian Susan E. Black. It is a wonderful theory.

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:05 pm 
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zeezrom wrote:
Since Joseph Smith never recorded the word "polygamy" in any of his writings, he never truly practiced it (i.e. never had sex with women other than Emma).

I learned this from the great LDS historian Susan E. Black. It is a wonderful theory.

That's not all that interesting. The real question is, did he ever record the word "poop". Now, if Joseph Smith never had to poop, that clearly shows he was miraculous. Without any poop, literally his s*** couldn't stink.


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:12 pm 
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zeezrom wrote:
I learned this from the great LDS historian Susan E. Black. It is a wonderful theory.

Susan Easton Black - wow - I used to love going to hear her when I attended Church Education Week every single year at BYU! Those were back in the days of my TBMism.

How on earth can she NOT know the true church history??? I have wondered that numerous times. Does she just live in denial?


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:22 pm 
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Madison54 wrote:
Does she just live in denial?

It is a possibility. Or maybe she wrestles with the Spirit more often than the rest of us.

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:25 pm 
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Darth J wrote:
I think that at some point, the Church is going to merge with Kentucky Fried Chicken. There are simply too many common factors between LDS and KFC to write it off as mere coincidence.

The founder of KFC pretended to be a colonel. The founder of the Church pretended to be a lieutenant general.

After wandering around in New York, Ohio, Missouri, and Illinois, the Church finally found a home for itself in Utah in 1847. After wandering from town to town looking for franchisees, "Colonel" Harland Sanders found a home in Utah for the world's first KFC franchise in 1952.

KFC found a home in Utah 105 years after the Mormons found a home for themselves in Utah. Section 105 of the Doctrine and Covenants talks about monetary investments involving the Saints.

The world's first KFC franchisee (again, in Utah) was Pete Harman. "Harman" kind of rhymes with "Mormon."

This original KFC restaurant is in Salt Lake City on 3900 South. A restaurant is where people work with food. Now if we take that number 3900, we see that D&C 39 talks about working with food ("laboring in the vineyard").

Col. Sanders used to wear a white suit when he appeared in public. White clothing is worn for sacred ordinances in the Church, like baptism and temple work.

The Church teaches that we are not to drink alcoholic beverages. KFC restaurants generally do not serve alcohol.

We are often told that the Church is expanding throughout the world. So is Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The Church has long been involved with agricultural ventures that are consistent with an LDS/KFC merger:

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/08/the-m ... nd-storage

A large number of the Church’s production projects are agricultural—farms, orchards, dairy and cheese projects, livestock projects, honey projects, [note: for use in honey barbecue sauce, maybe?] poultry farms, and the like.

D&C 89:12 says that we are to use "fowls of the air" sparingly as food. But chickens are not fowls of the air. They are flightless. Therefore, there is no scriptural injunction against eating chicken as often as we want.

Both temples and KFC restaurants are dotting the earth. Temples usually have a place in them for patrons to eat. KFC is a place to eat. You can probably draw your own conclusion about the next logical step.

There are some things in the Church that we keep from the world, like the temple endowment. Similarly, the Colonel's secret blend of original herbs and spices is too sacred to talk about.

Also, the Lord has revealed that it does not matter what we eat or drink when we partake of the sacrament. So there's no reason we could not have a piece of fried chicken and a Pepsi at sacrament meeting.

If you think about it, this all makes perfect sense. I predict that it will not be long before the Bretheren announce that the Church is indeed merging with Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's an intriguing theory, at least.


:lol: :lol: :lol: They say birds of a feather flock together........ Kentucky FRIED Chicken, and Joseph Smith being "fried" metaphorically. we could add many other parallels. Perhaps get it into a peer reviewed journal so it would make a legitimate apologetic piece? You could show that chickens mentioned in the paper are not really tapirs.... :lol: Chicken sacrifices have been shown to have a legitimate ancient practice by some ancient civilization or another, I am sure we could find a way to use this information. Incidentally, the burning in the bosom for chickens is in their feet, so perhaps the Spirit mistakes giving the chicken's testimonies to their feet instead of their hearts? It's a legitimate scientific creationist concern. Chicken gizzards cause blizzards, so perhaps the great winter storm in Nauvoo when the Saints were leaving so the Mississippi froze over, was because they had their chickens lined up all in a row (yes, I KNOW it's supposed to be ducks in a row, but a dispensation of change could honestly have been given to accomodate the economic situation). And so it goes.

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:26 pm 
Anti-Mormon

Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 8:32 pm
Posts: 4975
Location: In the Politburo
Darth J wrote:
I think that at some point, the Church is going to merge with Kentucky Fried Chicken. There are simply too many common factors between LDS and KFC to write it off as mere coincidence.

The founder of KFC pretended to be a colonel. The founder of the Church pretended to be a lieutenant general.

After wandering around in New York, Ohio, Missouri, and Illinois, the Church finally found a home for itself in Utah in 1847. After wandering from town to town looking for franchisees, "Colonel" Harland Sanders found a home in Utah for the world's first KFC franchise in 1952.

KFC found a home in Utah 105 years after the Mormons found a home for themselves in Utah. Section 105 of the Doctrine and Covenants talks about monetary investments involving the Saints.

The world's first KFC franchisee (again, in Utah) was Pete Harman. "Harman" kind of rhymes with "Mormon."

This original KFC restaurant is in Salt Lake City on 3900 South. A restaurant is where people work with food. Now if we take that number 3900, we see that D&C 39 talks about working with food ("laboring in the vineyard").

Col. Sanders used to wear a white suit when he appeared in public. White clothing is worn for sacred ordinances in the Church, like baptism and temple work.

The Church teaches that we are not to drink alcoholic beverages. KFC restaurants generally do not serve alcohol.

We are often told that the Church is expanding throughout the world. So is Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The Church has long been involved with agricultural ventures that are consistent with an LDS/KFC merger:

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/08/the-m ... nd-storage

A large number of the Church’s production projects are agricultural—farms, orchards, dairy and cheese projects, livestock projects, honey projects, [note: for use in honey barbecue sauce, maybe?] poultry farms, and the like.

D&C 89:12 says that we are to use "fowls of the air" sparingly as food. But chickens are not fowls of the air. They are flightless. Therefore, there is no scriptural injunction against eating chicken as often as we want.

Both temples and KFC restaurants are dotting the earth. Temples usually have a place in them for patrons to eat. KFC is a place to eat. You can probably draw your own conclusion about the next logical step.

There are some things in the Church that we keep from the world, like the temple endowment. Similarly, the Colonel's secret blend of original herbs and spices is too sacred to talk about.

Also, the Lord has revealed that it does not matter what we eat or drink when we partake of the sacrament. So there's no reason we could not have a piece of fried chicken and a Pepsi at sacrament meeting.

If you think about it, this all makes perfect sense. I predict that it will not be long before the Bretheren announce that the Church is indeed merging with Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's an intriguing theory, at least.


lol

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:32 pm 
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Madison54 wrote:
zeezrom wrote:
I learned this from the great LDS historian Susan E. Black. It is a wonderful theory.

Susan Easton Black - wow - I used to love going to hear her when I attended Church Education Week every single year at BYU! Those were back in the days of my TBMism.

How on earth can she NOT know the true church history??? I have wondered that numerous times. Does she just live in denial?


I would not call her a historian.

Years ago, I attended the Nauvoo temple open house with my wife and her family. While there, my wife's family purchased a book about the Nauvoo temple authored by Black. I already knew enough about her from my BYU days to be wary, but I skimmed the book a bit on the long drive home. I was amazed to see that Black had included a vivid and detailed description of the dedication of the new Nauvoo temple, which had not happened yet (remember, this was just the open house). I know that people pre-write articles about events, deaths, etc. all the time so that was not shocking per se. But what it did prove to me is that Black is very good at writing fantasy.

She has a doctorate in education, not history. She works for the Religion department, not the History department. IMO, she writes propaganda posing as history. Her works are about as historically accurate as the Legacy film.


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 5:01 pm 
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KFC breading mix >> Lehi Roller Mills >> Footloose >> Kevin Bacon >> Crazy, Stupid, Love >> Ryan Gosling >> LDS.


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 5:05 pm 
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Darth J wrote:
...
There are also lots of Mormon chicks that are finger lickin' good, too.

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words lose their original meaning in Mormonism when the evidence doesn't support the definition of the word. Craig Paxton

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:50 pm 
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Your list just gave me the chills. Seriously. Like, this is seriously so freaky. I am totally feeling it.

Darth J wrote:
The Church teaches that we are not to drink alcoholic beverages. KFC restaurants generally do not serve alcohol.

My only question is about this one, because I actually know that KFCs in Japan actually sell Heineken on tap. Could this fact actually fit your hypothesis even more perfectly, since Joseph Smith actually also loved beer?

Oh my heck. I just got the chills again.

-JV


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:57 pm 
It is heart warming to see members moving beyond their dim understanding of Mormon teachings, and being able to see past the clear and repeated statements made by prophets, seers, and revelators.

On that note, I would like to share my own theory.
We know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, but we also know that the Book of Mormon has archeological problems and anachronisms. So I have come to the obvious conclusion. The Book of Mormon is inspired fiction.
Now I know some of you will protest. What about the statements about it being a record of the ancient inhabitants of America? Come on people! Joseph Smith wasn't God's sockpuppet! The answer is clear. Sometimes Joseph Smiths' imagination got carried away and he wrote his vain imaginations into official statements and scriptures. Why should that bother us?


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 12:42 am 
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Darth J wrote:
I have appreciated the intriguing theories that I find LDS people sharing about what the gospel really means, or predictions about where the Church is headed. Be it Jeremy-Orbe Smith, various members at the Mormon Dungeons & Dragons board, Tobin, jo1952, new member Shixon1, or others, there is always some person whose special insights have really connected the dots. So I thought I would share some of the theories concerning the Restored Gospel that I have come up with. I would like to see other people's theories in this thread, too, if you have any.


:lol: :lol: Mormon Dungeons & Dragons! How fitting! Do you know that as easy going as I am that they banned me?

jo .....and BTW, I feel honored to have been mentioned in your OP. My question is, should I? (feel honored, that is...not sure how to read you yet, Darth, my friend....)


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 12:53 am 
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Darth J wrote:
I think that at some point, the Church is going to merge with Kentucky Fried Chicken. There are simply too many common factors between LDS and KFC to write it off as mere coincidence.

The founder of KFC pretended to be a colonel. The founder of the Church pretended to be a lieutenant general.

After wandering around in New York, Ohio, Missouri, and Illinois, the Church finally found a home for itself in Utah in 1847. After wandering from town to town looking for franchisees, "Colonel" Harland Sanders found a home in Utah for the world's first KFC franchise in 1952.

KFC found a home in Utah 105 years after the Mormons found a home for themselves in Utah. Section 105 of the Doctrine and Covenants talks about monetary investments involving the Saints.

The world's first KFC franchisee (again, in Utah) was Pete Harman. "Harman" kind of rhymes with "Mormon."

This original KFC restaurant is in Salt Lake City on 3900 South. A restaurant is where people work with food. Now if we take that number 3900, we see that D&C 39 talks about working with food ("laboring in the vineyard").

Col. Sanders used to wear a white suit when he appeared in public. White clothing is worn for sacred ordinances in the Church, like baptism and temple work.

The Church teaches that we are not to drink alcoholic beverages. KFC restaurants generally do not serve alcohol.

We are often told that the Church is expanding throughout the world. So is Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The Church has long been involved with agricultural ventures that are consistent with an LDS/KFC merger:

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/08/the-m ... nd-storage

A large number of the Church’s production projects are agricultural—farms, orchards, dairy and cheese projects, livestock projects, honey projects, [note: for use in honey barbecue sauce, maybe?] poultry farms, and the like.

D&C 89:12 says that we are to use "fowls of the air" sparingly as food. But chickens are not fowls of the air. They are flightless. Therefore, there is no scriptural injunction against eating chicken as often as we want.

Both temples and KFC restaurants are dotting the earth. Temples usually have a place in them for patrons to eat. KFC is a place to eat. You can probably draw your own conclusion about the next logical step.

There are some things in the Church that we keep from the world, like the temple endowment. Similarly, the Colonel's secret blend of original herbs and spices is too sacred to talk about.

Also, the Lord has revealed that it does not matter what we eat or drink when we partake of the sacrament. So there's no reason we could not have a piece of fried chicken and a Pepsi at sacrament meeting.

If you think about it, this all makes perfect sense. I predict that it will not be long before the Bretheren announce that the Church is indeed merging with Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's an intriguing theory, at least.


Is this too much of a spread? Chickens have wings; don't at least some angels have wings?

We also need to find some correlation with: beaks, feathers, skinless chicken breasts (Liz could come up with something there), boneless (which ALWAYS reminds me of "The Far Side's" boneless chicken ranch...), roasted, cole slaw, biscuits (though maybe Tobin's comment about poop could be tied in with that one..), mashed potatoes, gravy...

Come on people, think!!!

jo


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 7:23 am 
God
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Tobin wrote:
That's not all that interesting. The real question is, did he ever record the word "poop". Now, if Joseph Smith never had to poop, that clearly shows he was miraculous. Without any poop, literally his s*** couldn't stink.


Clearly a case of transmogrification.


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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 8:26 am 
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The flush toilet is part of the restoration of the gospel, as important as any other principle, such as animal sacrifice or plural marriage.

The toilet was known in ancient times in the Middle East, as was the true gospel of Jesus Christ.

After the death of the Savior and the apostles, humanity drifted into apostasy and lost the flush toilet technology. At the same time, the Great Apostasy took God's true church and the priesthood away from the world.

During the Renaissance, Protestant Reformers in Europe, such as Martin Luther and John Calvin, tried to restore the true church to its original glory but succeeded only in preparing the world for the restoration of the gospel. Similarly, European inventors, such as John Harington and Alexander Cummings, attempted to bring flush toilets back to the modern world, but were merely paving the way for the glorious restoration of flushing toilets.

The hopes of the Protestant Reformers would be realized in America 1830 with the restoration of the Lord's true church with divine authority. The dream of a modern flush toilet would be realized in America in the 1850s with the first US patent giving authority to spread the technology far and wide.

Joseph Smith, a poor farmer, organized The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when he was 24 years old. Thomas Crapper, a poor plumber, organized Thomas Crapper & Co. when he was 24 years old.

Joseph Smith sent missionaries abroad to fill the world with the word of God. Thomas Crapper sent his emissaries abroad to promote the widespread use of flush toilets.

The names of both Joseph Smith and Thomas Crapper have been had for good and evil throughout the world.

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:22 am 
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I have always relished BcSpace's (and others) "pre-adamite" theories.

Every time a believer proposes and explains their PA theory, somehow I imagine Adam and Eve in some sort of tiny terrestial world, garden of Eden bubble, and a sort of invisible shield/barrier that allows Adam and Eve to watch the passing "pre-adamite" men and women walking around like soulless zombies.

It is like Adam and Eve are cocooned in an terrestial hunting blind watching a living earth that has already "fallen", but is supposed to "fall" when Adam and Eve transgress at some point in the future.

Talk about a time-continuum conundrum.


Last edited by Tchild on Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:33 am 
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Bob Loblaw wrote:
The flush toilet is part of the restoration of the gospel, as important as any other principle, such as animal sacrifice or plural marriage.

The toilet was known in ancient times in the Middle East, as was the true gospel of Jesus Christ.

After the death of the Savior and the apostles, humanity drifted into apostasy and lost the flush toilet technology. At the same time, the Great Apostasy took God's true church and the priesthood away from the world.

During the Renaissance, Protestant Reformers in Europe, such as Martin Luther and John Calvin, tried to restore the true church to its original glory but succeeded only in preparing the world for the restoration of the gospel. Similarly, European inventors, such as John Harington and Alexander Cummings, attempted to bring flush toilets back to the modern world, but were merely paving the way for the glorious restoration of flushing toilets.

The hopes of the Protestant Reformers would be realized in America 1830 with the restoration of the Lord's true church with divine authority. The dream of a modern flush toilet would be realized in America in the 1850s with the first US patent giving authority to spread the technology far and wide.

Joseph Smith, a poor farmer, organized The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when he was 24 years old. Thomas Crapper, a poor plumber, organized Thomas Crapper & Co. when he was 24 years old.

Joseph Smith sent missionaries abroad to fill the world with the word of God. Thomas Crapper sent his emissaries abroad to promote the widespread use of flush toilets.

The names of both Joseph Smith and Thomas Crapper have been had for good and evil throughout the world.


I'd like to know if Thomas Crapper has had his temple work done for him. If not, somebody better get off the pot!

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:40 am 
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Classic.

"...Mormon Dungeons & Dragons board..." Very funny.

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 Post subject: Re: My Theories
PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 11:56 am 
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Key to reading the inimitable DarthJ is to understand more from what he fails to mention.
That is what I have always enjoyed to most. The thoroughness of his study is like a funnel to draw you down to his unspeakable point.

Like for instance in this missive he failed to mention that sitting in Harmon's Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise on 3900 South he and the hope of his heart were pulling the proverbial wishbone and sadly he lost and that has made all the difference causing him to curse God and bring down the hope of all. Hence the unspoken connection between the Church and KFC.

You might hear something else unspoken. Feel free to liken all that DarthJ says unto yourself.

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