It is currently Mon Sep 22, 2014 9:12 am

All times are UTC - 8 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 179 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 10:37 pm 
God

Joined: Mon Oct 23, 2006 11:04 pm
Posts: 2204
Cricket's site is full of this humor!

[IMAGE DELETED]

[MODERATOR NOTE: Yuck, dude! For heaven's sake, ABSOLUTELY NO PENISES ON THIS SITE! Not even in cartoons!]


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:00 pm 
God
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 7:56 pm
Posts: 2664
Jason Bourne wrote:
Quote:
I think that we agree more than we disaree. But I don't think that masturbation is something that just comes naturally. It needs to be taught before it can be experienced.



uhhhhhhh... without any nitty gritty I can assure you when I was a wee lad I was not taught how to masturbate. I figured it out all on my own and was quite surprised the fist time it ended up in a.... well... you know. I can recall thinking "Wow!!! What just happened. Whatever it was it felt pretty good!"


Yeah I'm going to have to second that one. I think it's pretty easy to discover on your own, even unintentionally.

_________________
People who will not fight eventually will be eaten by those who will fight.

Dr. William Pierce


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:05 pm 
God

Joined: Mon Oct 23, 2006 11:04 pm
Posts: 2204
ajax18 wrote:
Jason Bourne wrote:
Quote:
I think that we agree more than we disaree. But I don't think that masturbation is something that just comes naturally. It needs to be taught before it can be experienced.



uhhhhhhh... without any nitty gritty I can assure you when I was a wee lad I was not taught how to masturbate. I figured it out all on my own and was quite surprised the fist time it ended up in a.... well... you know. I can recall thinking "Wow!!! What just happened. Whatever it was it felt pretty good!"


Yeah I'm going to have to second that one. I think it's pretty easy to discover on your own, even unintentionally.
*Another HAND goes up to affirm that*

You are either lying Jason, or were quite the dweeb as a young boy.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:28 pm 
God
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 7:56 pm
Posts: 2664
I held out till several years past my mission on this one, but the marriage age just seemed to keep getting pushed further and further back. Perhaps if masturbation weren't taught as such an evil thing, I wouldn't have been so angry at the single sisters for deliberately postponing marriage until they were ready to have babies. This usually meant around 27 or 28 and I knew I wasn't going to start making money until I was 27 at the youngest. I felt like they knew what I was going through and chose to remain indifferent. So I vowed in my anger, if you're content to let me suffer like this and not give me what I need, I'm not going to give you what you need. Yeah it was vengeful, but revenge aside I was still so disenchanted with their attitudes and who they were, and really didn't want anything to do with LDS chicks after that. It took a long time to get over feeling angry about it, and I would imagine a lot of men secretly felt this way even if they refused to admit it.

So no, I can't say the anti masturbation stance really helped make marriages happen, at least it didn't in my case. Maybe that ended up for the better since I found a relationship where masturbation is no longer necessary. Maybe I wouldn't have found that if I hadn't figured out who the bad ones were? Who knows? It still took way too long. The positve difference that sexual activity has made in my health is beyond measure. I can't say I ever felt lonely after masturbating. Guilty, yes. But with that guilt was also such relief that even the guilt wasn't strong enough to stop me.

_________________
People who will not fight eventually will be eaten by those who will fight.

Dr. William Pierce


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 11:31 pm 
God

Joined: Mon Oct 23, 2006 11:04 pm
Posts: 2204
ajax18 wrote:
I held out till several years past my mission on this one, but the marriage age just seemed to keep getting pushed further and further back. Perhaps if masturbation weren't taught as such an evil thing, I wouldn't have been so angry at the single sisters for deliberately postponing marriage until they were ready to have babies. This usually meant around 27 or 28 and I knew I wasn't going to start making money until I was 27 at the youngest. I felt like they knew what I was going through and chose to remain indifferent. So I vowed in my anger, if you're content to let me suffer like this and not give me what I need, I'm not going to give you what you need. Yeah it was vengeful, but revenge aside I was still so disenchanted with their attitudes and who they were, and really didn't want anything to do with LDS chicks after that. It took a long time to get over feeling angry about it, and I would imagine a lot of men secretly felt this way even if they refused to admit it.

So no, I can't say the anti masturbation stance really helped make marriages happen, at least it didn't in my case. Maybe that ended up for the better since I found a relationship where masturbation is no longer necessary. Maybe I wouldn't have found that if I hadn't figured out who the bad ones were? Who knows? It still took way too long. The positve difference that sexual activity has made in my health is beyond measure. I can't say I ever felt lonely after masturbating. Guilty, yes. But with that guilt was also such relief that even the guilt wasn't strong enough to stop me.
Wow. That is awful.

Hey, why is Santa Claus' sac so big and RED?

He only COMES once a year :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 12:14 pm 
God
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 8:43 am
Posts: 2429
Location: In an Utrecht coffeehouse with my lady friend
Great thread, guys. This is one certainly for the archives. All hands out of your pants to sustain this motion....

_________________
I detest my loose style and my libertine sentiments. I thank God, who has removed from my eyes the veil...
Adrian Beverland


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 1:30 pm 
He-Who-Has-Not-Sinned (Recently)
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:49 pm
Posts: 4627
Location: MI6-Private Quarters
gramps wrote:
Great thread, guys. This is one certainly for the archives. All hands out of your pants to sustain this motion....


I don't think Dr. Shades wants any masturbating in his archives. I wonder if Dr. Shades would have oral sex in his archives....

_________________
"Whatever appears to be against the Book of Mormon is going to be overturned at some time in the future. So we can be pretty open minded."-charity 3/7/07


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 6:42 am 
God
User avatar

Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2006 1:00 pm
Posts: 9095
Polygamy Porter wrote:
Another HAND goes up to affirm that*

You are either lying Jason, or were quite the dweeb as a young boy.


Lying about what? The first big O at my own hands? I assure you I had no idea what it was. Really. I was fairly young. All Iknoew about was from the one hour thing I had in sxith where our dads came to this lecture and movie with us boys. They talked about arm put hair, pubic hair and yes they did tell about the fact that sperms from men fertilzed aggs from women to make a baby. But nothing else and nothing on that fact that getting the sperm out of a man required an orgasm. I had no idea that first time that what happened was an orgasm.

You have to remember this was the early 70's. I am not sure about your age and maybe I was cloistured, but in Mormon Utah these thing were not discussed very openly when I was a kid. Believe it or not.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 8:12 pm 
God
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:42 pm
Posts: 13916
Location: Koloburbia
Polygamy Porter wrote:
Cricket's site is full of this humor!

[IMAGE DELETED]

[MODERATOR NOTE: Yuck, dude! For heaven's sake, ABSOLUTELY NO PENISES ON THIS SITE! Not even in cartoons!]

Yes, or Dr. Shades will kick the pricks!

_________________
Cry Heaven and let loose the Penguins of Peace


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 8:26 pm 
He-Who-Has-Not-Sinned (Recently)
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:49 pm
Posts: 4627
Location: MI6-Private Quarters
Image

_________________
"Whatever appears to be against the Book of Mormon is going to be overturned at some time in the future. So we can be pretty open minded."-charity 3/7/07


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 8:34 pm 
He-Who-Has-Not-Sinned (Recently)
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:49 pm
Posts: 4627
Location: MI6-Private Quarters
I'm going straight to hell for this one.....oh well. I actually banged most of this out in about 30 minutes so if the spelling is off or lines don't have as many syllables as others, well that's the rough edges showing. I couldn't think of a title, give it one yourself.

Anyway, on with the perversion.
*Dedicated to Boyd. K Packer*


An original song from the play, Plates of Gold, Balls of Blue. Obviously an uptempo show stopping song.

Song performed by Barry Blueballs with Backing Vocals by Buddy Whackit and the Yankees.

(slow at beginning....picks up during the chorus)



Lead singer:

The Plates are gold and shiny, I know this church is true
The bishop's been real whiny, my companion hasn't a clue
Lately I've been tensed up and don't know what to do
I can't stop thinking about that hottie Sheri Dew.......

I told the bishop my problem and he told me to pray
I went home and spoke with God the rest of that day
When I got done praying I knew my choice was okay
But the bishop didn't exactly like what I had to say......

I said:

I should masturbate!
I should masturbate!
Why hold off till marriage? I simply cannot wait
I should masturbate!
I should masturbate!
Release my little soldiers, send them to their fate
I should masturbate!
I should masturbate!
I'll feel better even if I'm the target of Mormon hate
I should masturbate!
I should masturbate!
In the kitchen cupboard when it's getting late

background chorus:

He should masturbate!
He should masturbate!
Screw the Celestial Kingdom, he really cannot wait
He should masturbate!
He should masturbate!
He doesn't need a Molly, he's already left the gate
He should masturbate!
He should masturbate!
Once in the morning and twice when it gets late
He should masturbate!
He should masturbate!
He is the captain, his hand is his first mate

(Lead singer slow down..)

I've been on my mission about fourteen months or so
How I've held out this long, I simply do not know
I know I'm on the brink, I'm giving off a dirty glow
I might as well pump the tank and let the water flow....

The other day my condition earned me quite a glare
I may turn out gay, But my testicles sure won't care
My member's getting angry, it simply isn't fair
Time to release the purple worm from his hidden lair....

and so:

I will masturbate!
I will masturbate!
Screw a temple marriage, I simply cannot wait
I will masturbate!
I will masturbate!
To hell with consequences, I'm already increasing rate
I will masturbate!
I will masturbate!
I really don't care if I'm the subject of their hate
I will masturbate!
I will masturbate!
I WILL MASTURBATE RIGHT NOW!

background singers:

He's really growing tired
His forehead is perspired from this gammmeee (game, game, Game!)
If he's caught he's fired
But when he's expired he'll never quite be the sammmeeee (same, same, Same!)


and so.........:

He will masturbate!
He will masturbate!
Screw the Celestial Kingdom, he simply cannot wait
He will masturbate!
He will masturbate!
In the kitchen cupboard when it's getting late

Lead singer:

I know it's really corny
But I'm so very horny
That I cannot hold off anymore (more, more, more)
I know I'm being bold
I feel like solid gold
But I wish this time was with a whore (whore, whore, whore)

I'm tired of this pain
It's driving me insane

(*fast chant*)

Tell the Prophet to kiss my ass
The rest can also lick my brass

I really don't care what they think
Boyd K. Packer can even take a drink

All I know of this life
Is that before I take a wife....

I will masturbate!
I will masturbate!
Tell the GAs to piss off, I simply cannot wait
I will masturbate!
I will masturbate!
I will masturbate!
I will maasssttturbaattteeee....


ahhhhhhhh!
Where's that towel?
.
.
.
background chorus:

He masturbated!
He masturbated!
He masturbated!

Lead singer:

And it was goooooooooodddddddddd!

_________________
"Whatever appears to be against the Book of Mormon is going to be overturned at some time in the future. So we can be pretty open minded."-charity 3/7/07


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 6:20 pm 
Elder
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:01 pm
Posts: 327
Location: Nowhere
OMG POLY! (Do you mind if I call you Poly?) That Willy Wanker is the funniest thing I have seen in my whole life.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 11:16 am 
He-Who-Has-Not-Sinned (Recently)
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:49 pm
Posts: 4627
Location: MI6-Private Quarters
twinkie wrote:
OMG POLY! (Do you mind if I call you Poly?) That Willy Wanker is the funniest thing I have seen in my whole life.


Polygamy is on vacation from the board right now, but I'm sure he would say check out the Salamander Society. It's a great cache of Mormon related hilarity.

http://www.salamandersociety.com/

http://www.salamandersociety.com/slamtoons/ (Slamtoons is where a lot of the pictures are taken from. Watch out for the Telestial Kingdom though!)

_________________
"Whatever appears to be against the Book of Mormon is going to be overturned at some time in the future. So we can be pretty open minded."-charity 3/7/07


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:37 pm 
He-Who-Has-Not-Sinned (Recently)
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:49 pm
Posts: 4627
Location: MI6-Private Quarters
I can't believe no one has masturb..........I mean posted no this thread in 4 months.

_________________
"Whatever appears to be against the Book of Mormon is going to be overturned at some time in the future. So we can be pretty open minded."-charity 3/7/07


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:06 am 
God
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 8:43 am
Posts: 2429
Location: In an Utrecht coffeehouse with my lady friend
Bond...James Bond wrote:
I can't believe no one has masturb..........I mean posted no this thread in 4 months.


I've been too busy masturb......too busy...er...whatever. Damn, it's hard to type one-handed. How do you do it?

_________________
I detest my loose style and my libertine sentiments. I thank God, who has removed from my eyes the veil...
Adrian Beverland


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 11:14 pm 
Local Furry
User avatar

Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2006 6:44 am
Posts: 820
Location: Virtual reality Utah
that's an easy one

First: you get your GF/wife on another computer
Second: "practice"

_________________
One nice thing is, ze game of love is never called on account of darkness - Pepe Le Pew


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:58 am 
God
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 8:43 am
Posts: 2429
Location: In an Utrecht coffeehouse with my lady friend
Sono_hito wrote:
that's an easy one

First: you get your GF/wife on another computer
Second: "practice"


Thanks, that person! I knew it was an easy one to figure out.

_________________
I detest my loose style and my libertine sentiments. I thank God, who has removed from my eyes the veil...
Adrian Beverland


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 10:23 pm 
God
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2007 12:00 pm
Posts: 3004
:D


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 10:23 pm 
He-Who-Has-Not-Sinned (Recently)
User avatar

Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 9:49 pm
Posts: 4627
Location: MI6-Private Quarters
Bump (bump bump bump in the night)

_________________
"Whatever appears to be against the Book of Mormon is going to be overturned at some time in the future. So we can be pretty open minded."-charity 3/7/07


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 1:13 am 
God
User avatar

Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 1:42 pm
Posts: 13916
Location: Koloburbia
Bond...James Bond wrote:
Bump (bump bump bump in the night)


Are you typing left handed?

_________________
Cry Heaven and let loose the Penguins of Peace


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 1:27 am 
God
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 8:43 am
Posts: 2429
Location: In an Utrecht coffeehouse with my lady friend
moksha wrote:
Bond...James Bond wrote:
Bump (bump bump bump in the night)


Are you typing left handed?


I thought Bond might be left-handed after all. It's all that creativity he's got. Dead give away!

_________________
I detest my loose style and my libertine sentiments. I thank God, who has removed from my eyes the veil...
Adrian Beverland


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 179 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9  Next

All times are UTC - 8 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
Revival Theme By Brandon Designs By B.Design-Studio © 2007-2008 Brandon
Revival Theme Based off SubLite By Echo © 2007-2008 Echo
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group