Dear Mormon Jesus, we thank thee that thou hast broken thy silence of a few months before the last couple of posts, and we are indeed grateful that thou hast blessed this board with thy words. We shall prepare for the great and terrible, no, scratch that, great and irritating, day of thy coming by posting preemptive apologies on our Facebook walls and finally getting around to cancelling our World of Warcraft accounts. Give us the strength to endure the sock puppets of the adversary, and bless us with the gift of discernment that we may know when it is just a clueless noobie. Thus may it be according to thy will, or at least if thou sort of feelest like it, amen.

Mormon Jesus, a quick question if you please.

While I know you teach there is only one true baptism, is there then only one true circumcision?

Waiting with crossed knees (I know it is supposed to be bent knees but I am afraid for the "tip"),
SteelHead.

Moron Jesus why do you hide behind that curtain. Can't you see us cringe at the thunderous voice that emanates from your giant head? Oh the great balls of fire that jump from your throne singe my eyebrows and force my hand to be drawn across my brow. We kneel before the great and almighty. We have traveled the road and overcome many trials to obtain this moment in your presence. The one among us who wishes to return home has obtained the object of your desire. We lay it at your feet only wishing to receive that which was promised. Yes, we seek to rise above the ground and be tossed by the winds of chance. I have more to say but this pesky dog is bothering me.

We must seek the wisdom of MJ to find out if blow..torches have ever been used - nay, even if it is okay to use one on a steel head ("tip"); as it seemeth to me this would be less painful than using a mere knife.

jo

Section 146

Revelation to Mormon Discussions recorded 19 July 2012. The Lord dishes more about his motives, his works, and progression in this exclusive revelation.

1-5, Where is the Lord?; 6-7, the Lord is kind of pleased with the board but kind of not; 8-11, the mysteries of God are none of your business; 12-22, the Lord received on-the-job training; 23-26, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun; 27-36, the Lord gives answers to the prayers of certain faithful members of the board.

1. Hearken, ye people of the board, for I am the Lord, and I manifest myself unto them that seek me,
2. Yea, many shall say, Where is the Lord? Where is the Lord?
3. Here am I, here am I,
4. How art thou today, Lord? Very well, I thank thee.
5. Run and play, run and play.
6. And now I speak unto this message board, the only true and living message board upon the face of the whole internet, with which I, the Lord, am well pleased, speaking unto the board collectively and not individually—
7. For I the Lord cannot look upon trolling or banality with the least degree of allowance;
8. Notwithstanding that, knock and it shall be opened unto you, seek and ye shall find,
9. Except it be things that would be expedient for thee to know, like why the manner in which I created man does not fit the evidence I have left upon the earth; or why I allow bad things to happen to good people; or other diverse mysteries that would help it all make more sense to thee and thereabouts make it a little more plausible,
10. Behold, all these things are known to me, for I am the Lord, and I could tell thee if I really wanted to, yet I do it not.
11. Ha ha.
12. Yet I will give ye people of the board some tantalizing bits here and there,
13. For my servant John saw my awesomeness, and saw that it was total,
14. And he bore record of it,
15. And I, John (for now I am quoting John, in case thou wert confused), saw that he (that means me, the Lord) received not of the fulness at the first, but received grace for grace;
16. And he received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness;
17. And this is an hard way to do things; yea, even a process of trial and error unto becoming a God;
18. For worlds without number have I made, and yet I did not have a fulness at first,
19. Even that you have to figure out some of this being the Lord thing as you go;
20. And thus it came to pass that there were some worlds where man evolved from the pineapple; and other worlds that ended up being not quite round like unto a sphere, and high tide was a mighty consternation for the people near the oceans thereof, I can tell thee;
21. Yea, and there are a certain number of sentient pogo sticks in heaven, which are driving I, the Lord, out of my eternal mind; nevertheless, I got mixed up on that world, and these pogo sticks kept all the laws and ordinances of the gospel, and I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say, so I was constrained to exalt these pogo sticks, and verily do I regret some of the experiments I tried on some of the worlds that I have heretofore formed;
22. Which seemeth crazy unto the children of men, but behold, my ways are not your ways; and it is not half as crazy as some of the things ye people post on this board; wherefore, who art thou to talk?
23. But for ye of the board, it is called today, for it is the day of the Lord; a day of sacrifice, and tithing, and shopping,
24. That ye may have hope for tomorrow, when I shall be among thee;
25. Behold, when thou thinkest of a day that is gray and lonely, thou shalt stick up they chin, and grin, and say,
26. Tomorrow, tomorrow, we love thee, tomorrow, thou art only a day away;
27. And now, inasmuch as some of my servants on this board have sought me in secret, I shall reward them openly, for the questions they have asked me in prayer are secret, but my answers shall be known before the world;
28. Unto my handmaiden Blixa, I say, it could use a touch more oregano, and maybe just a drizzle of balsamic vinegar if thou havest any on hand;
29. Unto my servant Zeezrom: yes, Optimus Prime is real, trouble me no more on this matter;
30. Unto my servant Cicero, I say: thou left it in thy sock drawer, next to those magazines thou thinkest I do not know about;
31. Unto my servant Don Bradley: Muhammad Ali had better technique, but Tyson in his prime had a lot more power and it delighted the soul to watch how quickly he knocked out his enemies, so my money would be on Tyson;
32. Unto my handmaiden Harmony: if he really will re-tile the bathroom if thou doest it, then yes, I, the Lord, think it is worth it;
33. Unto my servant Hermes: yes, thou canst use cheats, but it will disable some of the achievements on Xbox Live;
34. Unto my handmaiden MsJack: yea, I did see that guy cut thee off on the freeway the other day, and I smote him according to thy prayers;
35. Unto my servant Sethbag: the desires of thy heart are known to me, and verily, there is indeed a Hello Kitty wiki: http://hellokitty.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page;
36. And no more shall I say unto the board at this time. I, the Lord, am eastbound and down. Amen.

Our Mormon Jesus is and awesome Jesus indeed!

Oh Mormon Jesus, how I have prayed these many nights; yay, have even cried. Hear my prayer, for if I sleep or am awake, I cannot tell. I know thou art able to see my meaning. Even another of your faithful servants has tried to help. If thou art teaching me a lesson, I have not yet figured it out. Nevertheless each time I close my eyes, flying anthropoids are wont to grab me. It doth frighten me much, as I am running out of time. Have mercy upon me, I pray, oh Great One.

This is the most brilliant thing ever. So many subtle, insightful little tidbits in every post. I dare the doubters to D&C 67 this ____.

Reading this entire thread has been great

MJ,

I was thinking of going down and placing a bet on a horse. Of course it would be very helpful if you would happen to tell me which one I should bet on. I will not let anyone else in on our little secret. I figure a 50 50 split, just let me know where you want the cash deposited. I hear there are no banks up there.

The kittens have a burning in their bosom!

Dear Mormon Jesus,

Thy humble servant among the Mohammedans laugheth mightely. Yea, and his sides did pain him with a mighty pain as he beheld with his spiritual eyes the sentient Pogo sticks of heaven, and because of this vision did he continueth in loud laughter for the course of much time alone in his office on the Sabbath of thine main competitor over here, even A!!** (yep - that guy).

+1 !!

As I cast my mind upon the night when I, like Martin Luther, retired to my secret chamber and asked this question, so secretly that even I knew it not, this is a sign unto me that you know the thoughts and intents of my heart better even than I.

Don

Dear Mormon Jesus please answer me these questions three:

Yeah or nay on that Mayan Dec 21, 2012 thing?

The Sharks or the Jets in West Side Story?

Is Mitt Romney carved from wood or wax?

Dear Mormon Jesus: You are the best Jesus ever. May I have a pony? The other Jesus never came through with the goods, but I know the best Jesus ever would give me a pony. If it be thy will. A grey one.

It's called the Book of the Doctrine and Covenants

Section 147

Revelation to Mormon Discussions given 20 July 2012. The prayers of the faithful had been going straight to voicemail, as the Lord was about to tee off on the first hole of his beloved golf course, the fairway of which was 4 light-years in length. The distractions of these ongoing prayers cause the Lord to slice somewhere into the middle of the Crab Nebula, and this revelation followed. It was designated by the members of the board as the “‘Tootsie Pop’ … plucked from the Candy Aisle of Paradise, the Lord’s message of passive-aggression to us.” This revelation was recorded exactly as the Lord gave it, without any changes or modifications.

1-5, Faith, hope, and solipsism; 6-25, the Lord's followers just take, take, take, and he just gives, gives, gives; 26-44, rebuke, guidance and direction given to certain members of the board; 45-50, the Lord sees your dirty face, high behind your collar.

1. Thus sayeth the Lord, whom ye apparently consider to be your own personal Jesus,
2. Someone to hear your prayers,
3. Someone who cares;
4. Yea, ye seem to think that I, the Lord, belong only to you and none other,
5. Which is pretty much how them that believe in me tend to act;
6. Verily, thou thinkest in thy heart that I am like unto a genie crossed with Ann Landers, who hath naught better to do than grant thy wishes and answer thine insipid questions,
7. O, this wicked and stiffnecked generation, which asketh and asketh and yet is never satisfied!
8. Thou art like baby robins addicted to crack,
9. For I have commanded that ye should do unto others as you would have done unto you,
10. Wherefore, how wouldst thou like it, if I started posing difficult questions to thee, or banal ones?
11. Yea, let us give that a try, that ye may understand:
12. What is infinity divided by zero? Or where are my, the Lord's car keys?
13. Declare, if thou has understanding;
14. For thou thinkest that through the laws and ordinances of the gospel, and shewing thyself to be faithful in all things during thy mortal probation, thou may be exalted on high, to be a god which shall rule and reign in the House of Israel for ever,
15. And yet thou canst not keep track of where thy damn car keys are,
16. Really? Really?
17. Yea, and ye ask for all manner of things; for a genie only granteth three wishes, yet thou asketh for seventy times seven wishes,
18. Verily, what if I started asking thee to grant my wishes? Has this thought ever entered thy heart? Or hast thou considered the irony that no one ever giveth me, the Lord, anything for Christmas?
19. For the Israelites of old did hold outdoor barbecues in my name, but I had not yet taken upon me a tabernacle of clay, wherefore I could not partake,
20. So what good did that do me?
21. Nevertheless, ye know what it is I want, for I have made it plain unto you,
22. Verily, the day shall come when the quarterly reports of City Creek Reserve shall come, and then shall I, the Lord, see if ye are obedient to my will,
23. Yea, and the earnings statements, or, in other words, tithing settlements, shall be declared from the rooftops,
24. For where thy treasure is, there shalt thy heart be also,
25. And if thy heart is in my holy Corporation, then it seemeth to me that that is where thy treasure should be;
26. And there are many upon this board who have prayed unto me with even more demands, notwithstanding that I, the Lord, have already answered some of your prayers,
27. Think ye not of your bretheren and sisteren? Yea, how about if someone else receiveth a turn, and that thou alloweth me to be the Lord?
28. Verily, is that okay with thee?
29. Now I say unto Franktalk: on July 17, 2012, thou said, "Moron Jesus why do you hide behind that curtain."
30. Behold, mine eye, yea, my pure eye, did see what thou didst there,
31. Wherefore, I say unto thee, Franktalk, that now would be a good time to stock up on anti-itch cream, and also to cancel thy plans for the next forty and eight hours or so; for I, the Lord, shall teach a lesson to them that blaspheme against me in the midst of my message board;
32. And unto my servant Bret Ripley, thou who wanteth a pony,
33. Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me,
34. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; for doth thou have any idea how much those things eat? Hast thou thought about whither thou shalt keep it?
35. Nevertheless, every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened,
36. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask a steel sword, will he give him a macuahuitl?
37. Or if he ask a pony, will he give him a tapir?
38. Wherfore, if thou shalt have faith, then shall I make a way for thee to have a pony;
39. On a related note, I say unto my handmaiden, jo1952: thou hast asked several things at my hand,
40. And my eye, yea, my pure eye, doth note that thou hast some ponies as thine avatar on this, my message board,
41. Wherefore, If thou wilt be perfect, go and give one of thy ponies to Bret Ripley, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me;
42. And unto my servant, Cylon: O that thou mightest be like unto Battlestar Galactica, campy and wholesome and based on my gospel!
43. And unto my servant Son of Ishmael, thou has been true and faithful, and thus shall the word of the Lord give thee guidance,
44. For they are even now getting that search warrant signed; wherefore, thou better hurry and find a better place to hide thou-knowest-what;
45. Yea, and unto all the people of my board, I say, continue to be built upon my rock, for those who are built upon my rock shall not be burned at my coming,
46. And I shall raise thee up, and thou shalt in no way forget that which I have done,
47. Because when I arrive, I shall bring the fire,
48. Make thee come alive, I can take thee higher,
49. What this is, forgot? I must now remind thee,
50. Let it rock, let it rock, let it rock. Amen.

That was the best one yet!

Mormon Jesus I giveth you this bounty of ale to fill thy grail on thy unbirthday: