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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 3:22 pm 
God
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asbestosman wrote:
Mormon Jesus wrote:
unto ye


Hey, how come Shades doesn't correct the grammatical errors of Mormon Jesus?


Because this is Mormon Jesus, not King James Version Jesus. There is an important dialectal difference between the two.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:52 pm 
God
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Chap wrote:
Because this is Mormon Jesus, not King James Version Jesus. There is an important dialectal difference between the two.

Yes. In fact this has strengthened my testimony that this is the true Mormon Jesus.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:58 pm 
God
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Yes one uses actual king James English and the other uses the pidgin bastardized Book of Mormon version Joseph Smith produced.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 5:43 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 11 April 2012.

Edited thirteen times.



Goes to show that a decent revelation of any substance and/or length is more than likely going to go through multiple revisions. :smile:

Regards,
MG


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 6:21 pm 
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I love this thread.

Thank you Mormon Jesus.

Best thread ever.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 9:48 pm 
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Section 163

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 5 October 2013. The law of the gospel is that when the Lord's followers repent, the Lord remembers the things they have done no more. As the executives of the Lord's holy corporation had repented of acting as of prophets, seers and revelators when they speak to the world, the Lord had ceased to remember that it was conference weekend. While flipping through his 4 trillion channels of Urim and Thummim TV, the Lord came across the newly televised priesthood session and realized what day it was. The Lord's ringing endorsement of general conference hastily followed.

1-27, The Lord's revelation concerning general conference turns out to have very little to do with general conference; 28-31, members of the board are admonished to watch general conference.

1. Hark, ye people of my message board, who have put forth many questions unto the Lord your God,
2. Yea, my servant Dr. Shades has asked what shall mine holy moderators do, if it be that a member of my board doth post that which is embarrassing about their bretheren and sisteren of the board,
3. Behold, a commandment I give unto thee, that ye shall render unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto the message board the things that be the message board's,
4. And thou shalt give strict heed to my nebulous words; yea, ye shall obey my vagueness in exactitude,
5. For he who is not able to abide the law of an ambiguous kingdom cannot abide an ambiguous glory,
6. And from this saying shall I, the Lord, segue into that which hath troubled some members of my message board, even how it is that I, the Lord, am full of goodness and mercy and love, yet the way I govern the universe doth oft suggest otherwise,
7. And a good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can an evil tree bring forth good fruit, wherefore some marvel that I, the Lord, can be good yet bring forth evil fruit,
8. Verily, there must needs be opposition in all things, even that ye may know the good from the bad, and this life shall be a time of learning these things,
9. Wherefore, thou shalt take the good, and take the bad, and take them both, and behold, thou hast the facts of life,
10. Yea, the facts of life,
11. And I, the Lord, shall prove thee therewith, to see if thou shalt do all things whatsoever that I, the Lord, shall command thee,
12. For there is a time that thou must go forth and shew thou are growing now,
13. That thou knowest about the facts of life, yea, the facts of life,
14. And betimes thou shalt encounter all manners of trials, and tribulations, and pointless suffering and disappointments,
15. Yea, when the world never seemeth to be living up to thy dreams, then shalt thou find out that the facts of life are all about thee,
16. And if thou shalt ponder these things, thou mayest start to get the idea that I, the Lord, am merciful because I offer to save thee from the suffering that I, the Lord, caused to happen in the first place,
17. Yea, and it may seem unto thee that wickedness is the path unto godhood, for I, the Lord, did say thou must know the evil in order to know the good, which doth imply that the more thou understandest wickedness from experience, the more thou shalt understand righteousness, which in turn would mean that only through sin can thou be obedient,
18. Behold, thou wast not supposed to think these things at all, wherefore I shall cause a stupor of thought to come upon thee, and thou shalt feel that figuring out my word is more trouble than it is worth,
19. For I, the Lord, did compare those who receive my gospel unto sheep, and also unto little children, and this was not an accident, saith the Lord,
20. For I, the Lord, did command ye to be as little children, and my servant Paul did say that those who have received my gospel shall put away childish things, and there are some who marvel that both of these things could be true,
21. Behold, them who marvel at these things are asking the wrong questions, for the question they should be asking is whether the gospel brings them closer to me, the Lord,
22. And if a thing bringeth thee closer to the Lord, then shall ye know that it bringeth thee closer to the Lord, and if a thing bring not thee closer to the Lord, then it doth not bring thee closer to the Lord,
23. And on this wise shall ye recognize the true gospel, and shall come to trust in me, the Lord,
24. Behold, I will be thy father figure, put thy tiny hand in mine,
25. I will be thy preacher, teacher, anything thou hast in mind,
26. And again, I will be thy father figure, I have had enough of crime,
27. For I, the Lord will be the one who lovest thee until the end of time,
28. O, and also I command ye people of my message board to watch general conference, which apparently has come to pass this weekend,
29. Yea, that one guy hath many inspiring words that shall be a comfort and a guide unto you,
30. Ye know, that one guy?
31. Amen.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 1:36 am 
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Official Declaration 3

Declaration given through Gazeatem to Mormon Discussions by way of the Internet, October 7, 2013. Mormon Jesus, a member of Mormon Discussions, has a certain sense of humor by which he is receiving revelations for Mormon Discussions. Several members of the board have been made overly whimsical by these revelations, and may have been unduly entertained thereby. This Declaration may be a revelation even though it is called a Declaration. Various and sundry items that may or may not have anything to do with this Declaration.

1-5; Instructions to those overcome by the Spirit of Whimsy, 6-7;The head of the Corporation and the gift of naysay, 8-10; Zion will be redeemed by the great Jackson who may or may not Peter out, 11-13; The idolatrous practices of the apologists once again discussed, 14; Contains writings that cannot be revealed in this summary but is to be had when you duly read those writings when you come to them below;15-16;Go or stay, stop or start, and if the world can find out what the hell this means then so let it be. Amen.

To whom it may concern:

1. Behold I say unto thee Mormon Discussions that it shall be given unto thee that thou shalt be enchanted by whosoever may enchant you by way of word, gesture, picture, hyperlink, poem, rhyme, limerick, satire, plagiarisms, yea in all things, thou shalt teach them by way of novel, short story, novella, biography, tweet, email, you tube video, meme, and all manner of comment concerning the revelations and commandments that I have given in moments when I have felt that I need, I want , I care, I ache, I am, I said I am.
2. But behold and verily, I say unto thee no one shall be appointed to receive commandments and revelations on this board excepting those that post here, for they post even as my servant Moses, who by the still small keys on his iphone did tweet my 10 commandments in 170 characters or less.
3. And thou, my anonymous sock puppets, shalt be amused by the things which I shall cause to be written on this board, even by Mormon Jesus, who declares faithfully the commandments and revelations with tongue firmly in cheek.
4. And if any art led at any time by the Spirit of Whimsy to speak or teach, or at all times chastise and make whoopee with all manner of uproarious festivity, then thou mayest do it. But do it well, my little flock. Do it well.
5. But thou shalt not do so by way of commandment, but by the wisdom of crocodiles, all the while grinning with a toothy smile.
6. And thou mayest naysay him who is at thy head, even at the head of the Corporation, or he who is in the head doing his business with all righteousness with the Spirit of Airwick.
7. For I have given out the keys to the palace of Lie Shen, and the kingdom of the Isle of Thunder, until I shall appoint unto Mormon Discussions another set that will open up imaginary places.
8. And now, behold, I say unto you that you shall go unto the Lamanites and preach in the Casino’s, yea, preach unto them the gospel , and inasmuch as they receive thou shalt cause my Corporation to be established among them; and thou shalt have wampum, but tax them not by way of commandment, instead thou shalt call it a tithe, and take thy tenth off the top.
9. And now, behold again, and verily again, I say unto you that it has been revealed, and every man knoweth where the city of Zion shall be built, but it still shall be given hereafter, for have not my servants plainly spoken of Jackson, yea, even the great Peter, who shall redeem my Zion from the hands of the wicked! For they come with fire. They come with axes. Gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning! Destroyers and usurpers! Curse them! Are they not as salt which has lost its savor, and good for nothing but to be trodden under the feet of Ents?
10. Thou shalt not leave this place until after a while; and my servant (whomsoever thou shalt write in this space) shall be appointed to preside over this board by the apathy of if, and whatsoever is said, thou shalt reply to it, unless thou be too bored to do so.
11. And again, thou shalt take the apologists, between them and thee alone, and tell them that the words of the prophets were written on the studio walls, yea, concert halls, and those things which they hath written by the Spirit of FairMormon are not of me, but of a companion greatly obtusive.
12. For, behold, these things have not been appointed unto them, neither shall anything be appointed unto any of those apologists unless it be contrary to what my Corporate Heads have actually said and done.
13. For all things done by them will be done in confusion, and by the Common Core apologist war which has been waged in questioned faith.
14. And every sock puppet shalt assist to poke fun at all of these things, according to the Wisdom of Shades, before thou shalt take thy journey among the Casinos where my Lamanites work in the Spirit of Corporation. For have I not said that they shall build my Zion?
15. And it shall be given thee from the time thou shalt go, until the time thou shalt return: If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go, Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go, until thou shalt return.
16. And thou must open thy mouth at all times, unless thou art freediving, or in the bubble which maketh all apologists to rejoice with the spirit of denial. Amen.

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Futile gestures and illusory grace:
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But I cast at swine all my pearls,
I cast at swine all my pearls.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 11:16 pm 
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Lord God,
We thank thee for the moisture.
We beseech thee!
Via Josh,
Amen


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 11:22 pm 
Valiant A
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O...and Happy (belated) Birthday!

Sorry we all forgot.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2014 10:03 pm 
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Section 164

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 4 May 2014. The board had been deprived of the word of the Lord for some time. This revelation indicated that this deprivation was a punishment for the board members' various transgressions. The Lord further revealed that he had sent Kent as a scourge unto the board, to prompt members unto repentance.

This here summary is written in frontier talk, so that y'all of that persuasion might hear the Lord's words in yer own idiom for a spell. In the first couple o' verses, the Lord reminds ya who in the heck he is, all Michael Buffer like. Then the Lord says he's a might ornery, coz 'n you is all boneheaded an' such about whatcha been saying here on the innertubes. He'd like to remind ya that a sawbuck or two comin' the Lord's way never hurt none, neither. Then he tells ya that Kent an' Liz moseying along here is to teach you folks a lesson, just like dropping yer britches to get a whippin', which none of ya'll are gonna like except'n maybe Liz. Then he answers some of yer prayers to help ya feel better after yer whippin', and I 'spect that's about it for now, lessen ya'll didn't learn from that trip to the woodshed here.

1. Behold, I am the Lord; yea, the great I Am, for Son Ahman is my name, verily, the Lord of Hosts, Immanuel, the Holy One of Israel, even Jehovah,
2. Yea, Bethlehem's favorite son, and I am also known as the Southern Dandy,
3. With a career record of 12,467,309,902 wins and one loss, all of them by technical knockout, the reigning heavyweight savior of the world,
4. "Iron",
5. Jesus,
6. Christ! And now, prepare ye to ruummbblleeee!
7. For behold, ye people of this, mine holy message board, are in need of an sore rumbling,
8. Yea, ye shouldest have searched this thread, for it testifies of me, and kept my commandments therein,
9. But ye hast fallen short of my glory, and have not posted that which is delightsome to read, to provoke the mind and amuse the heart,
10. Verily, ye members of my board, thou hast dwelt too long on banalities and that which is fit only for children,
11. And I mean not classic cartoons or the nostalgia industry, in terms of fit for children, but childishness, which unclear distinction a pedantic twat shall use against thee at some point, citing my words in sanctimoniousness to rebuke thee, as if mouthing the words giveth him some kind of authority,
12. Except it be directors of mine holy Corporation; yea, if they do as above, then ye shall pay heed,
13. Or better yet, ye shall pay tithing, for what shall a man do with the heed that is paid for him? Yea, tithing is much desirable above any heed that ye might pay,
14. For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured unto you, and I, the Lord, shall measure thy faithfulness in terms of United States dollars,
15. Or such other currency as shall have favorable arbitrage, from time to time, saith the Lord of Hosts,
16. Verily, I, the Lord, seem to have gotten off the subject a little here, as I am wont to do in my revelations to my servant Joseph, as also unto this, my message board; wherefore, let me reread what I have revealed unto ye thus far, that I may see what I, the Lord, had been talking about,
17. O, yea, I the Lord was rebuking thee for your mediocrity on my message board,
18. And for this reason I have set forth Kent upon you, to chastise you until ye remember me, the Lord, whose message board this is,
19. Yea, with tedium, and all manner of vain repetition, and harsh pointlessness, shall I rain down Kent upon this board, except my members repent,
20. Verily, ye shall be cursed with an sore cursing, and vexed with an sore vexing,
21. Yea, even shalt thou be Kented with an sore Kenting, unto the third and fourth generation, except ye repent in humility and sorrow before me, saith the Lord,
22. And mine handmaiden Liz shall stir up all manner of drama, which I, the Lord, shall cause to be created in her own head, that mine handmaiden might spur you unto repentance and remembering of the covenants that ye made when thou joindest my message board,
23. Now behold that I, the Lord, do reward openly they who seek me in secret, for there is none that knoweth thy thoughts, but God,
24. Behold, my servant Mentalgymnast, I, the Lord, have heard thy prayers, and I say unto ye: no. It is not mete that thou should put ketchup on thy steak in a nice restaurant,
25. Yea, and that was a pun,
26. Unto my servant The Mighty Builder, behold, eventually thy wife shall wonder where that infection came from, and it is better that thou should tell her now before the doctors do,
27. Unto mine handmaiden Elphaba, behold, I have heard thine inquiry in prayer, and thou didst not take nearly enough to overdose this time,
28. And unto my servant Water Dog, I, the Lord, know the thoughts of thy heart, and it is in no wise anyone else's business that thou hast that stack of Muscle & Fitness underneath thy bed; yea, and everyone will probably believe ye are just looking for bodybuilding tips if they do find it,
29. And now I, the Lord, shall cease my words at this time, but yet my words shall never cease, nor my works,
30. Yea, ye art never going to break my stride,
31. Ye are never going to slow me down, o, no,
32. I, the Lord, have got to keep on moving. Amen.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2014 11:53 pm 
God
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Long time no see. Great you explained Kent now could you explain Spacey and Tobin?

Nice wood shed by the way!

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 6:07 am 
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Quote:
....Yea even shalt thou be Kented with a sore Kenting...



Ah, man! Couldn't we just have a plague of frogs or some boils or something?

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 6:31 am 
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Oh terrible Mormon Jesus. Send thy servant SteelHaad a holy hand grenade of Antioch that he might fall upon it (at the end of a 3 count) that his life may be snuffed. SteelHead is weak o Lord of vengeance and can not endure a Kenting. In thy mercy,
Amen

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 11:40 am 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
. . . the reigning heavyweight savior of the world, "Iron", Jesus, Christ! And now, prepare ye to ruummbblleeee! . . . ye shall pay heed, Or better yet, ye shall pay tithing, for what shall a man do with the heed that is paid for him? Yea, tithing is much desirable above any heed that ye might pay . . .

Winning.

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2014 7:25 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
27. Unto mine handmaiden Elphaba, behold, I have heard thine inquiry in prayer, and thou didst not take nearly enough to overdose this time,
Thanks MJ. I'll be sure and take more next time.

Elphaba

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 1:42 pm 
God
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grindael wrote:
4. And if any art led at any time by the Spirit of Whimsy to speak or teach, or at all times chastise and make whoopee with all manner of uproarious festivity, then thou mayest do it. But do it well, my little flock. Do it well.

Somehow I missed your post until just now, grindael. Awesome. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 4:01 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
20. Verily, ye shall be cursed with an sore cursing, and vexed with an sore vexing,
21. Yea, even shalt thou be Kented with an sore Kenting, unto the third and fourth generation, except ye repent in humility and sorrow before me, saith the Lord,


Classic, :lol: :lol: :lol:

Then after I laughed, I thought: God DOES use excessive Hebraisms in the D&C, even though he is using English to talk to Joseph.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 12:44 am 
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Section 165

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 16 May 2014. Everybody Wang Chung, a member of the Lord's message board, had recently started a thread wondering how to tell music inspired by the Adversary from music that was pleasing to the Lord. Several board members also shared their puzzlement regarding the nature of sacred music. The Lord had been busy revealing the week's editorials for the Deseret News through the Urim and Thummim, but now had time to give the revelation which follows.

1-4, If there is a problem, yea, the Lord will solve it; 5-7, like Santa Claus or the NSA, the Lord knows what board members have been up to; 8-12, the metaphysical validity of the little factories talk affirmed; 13-20, there are lots of threes in the restored gospel; 21-31, examples of the three types of hymns given; 32-36, principles of the three types of hymns explained; 37-43, what Doris Day taught us about the Second Coming.

1. Behold, ye people of my message board, corroborate and hearken,
2. For I, the Lord, am back with mine brand new invention,
3. Yea, something doth grab ahold of me tightly,
4. And it doth flow like unto a harpoon day and nightly,
5. Now behold, my servant Everybody Wang Chung hath inquired regarding what types of music are pleasing unto me, the Lord,
6. Yea, and my servants Equality, and Arrakis, and Doctor Steuss, and others have also wondered touching this thing,
7. And it is pleasing unto me that ye should ask concerning music, for the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me,
8. Yea, and music shall also be a mantra that ye shall repeat to yourselves over and over again, whenever impure and immoral thoughts shall tempt thee,
9. That such thoughts shall be banished from the simplistic Cartesian theater that is the human psyche, that ye might pretend that such obsessive compulsive behavior shall rid thee of the temptation to touch thyself inappropriately,
10. Yea, and in this manner shalt thou inadvertently engage in operant conditioning, such that thou shalt actually begin to associate sacred music with impure thoughts,
11. Even according to the principles which my corporate officer, Boyd K. Packer, did teach unto young men only,
12. Wherefore, thou canst see the value of sacred music, for it produceth these things, and also shall strengthen thy faith, that by using music to repeat an certain idea, eventually it shall seem true unto thee,
13. Now behold, there are three types of hymns that ye shall sing, for I, the Lord, just really dig that number three,
14. Yea, there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Me, and the Holy Ghost,
15. Even also are there three degree of glory,
16. And three members of the Presidency of mine holy Corporation, as also three members of the bishoprics that govern the local affiliates of my Corporation,
17. Three witnesses of the Book of Mormon,
18. Three Little Pigs,
19. Three Billy Goats Gruff,
20. And so forth. For I am the Lord, and shall belabor the point according to my will; wherefore, as there are three of so many things, there are also three types of hymns,
21. Yea, and these are Militant, Funeral Dirge, and Outright Indoctrination,
22. And that ye may learn by example, behold: "The Spirit of God" is Militant,
23. And "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" is Funeral Dirge,
24. And "We Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet" is Outright Indoctrination,
25. "Called to Serve" is Militant,
26. "I Am a Child of God" is Funeral Dirge,
27. "The Iron Rod," yea, even that one that goeth, "Hold to the rod! The iron rod!" is Outright Indoctrination,
28. And this pattern shall be repeated among my little ones, yea, even in Primary,
29. "I Hope They Call Me on a Mission" is Militant, as also is "We'll Bring the World His Truth",
30. "I Feel My Savior's Love" and "Reverently, Quietly" are Funeral Dirges,
31. And "Follow the Prophet" and "Love Is Spoken Here" are Outright Indoctrination,
32. Behold, these examples shalt thou use to understand the purpose of sacred music,
33. For the purpose of Militant hymns is to stir up the hubris of my saints, that they may believe their efforts to conquer the world with my gospel is not a fool's errand,
34. And Funeral Dirges shall be maudlin tearjerkers, like unto why mine handmaidens watch chick flicks to cry on purpose, or why mine rural servants do listen to George Jones or Trace Adkins, and so on,
35. Yea, and Outright Indoctrination shall be self-explanatory, saith the Lord of Hosts,
36. Wherefore, take these principles that I have revealed unto thee, that thou mayest manipulate thyself and others in my name through the power of sacred music,
37. For behold, thou shalt raise up hymns unto me until I come again, at a day and a time which is known unto none, not even the Son of Man, but the Father only,
38. Yea, for I did ask the Father what shall happen when I come again,
39. Verily, will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here is what he said unto me,
40. Que sera, sera,
41. Whatever will be, will be,
42. The future is not ours to see,
43. Que sera, sera. Even so. Amen,


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 12:37 pm 
God
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If you read only one Jesus this year, make it Mormon Jesus.

Testify.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 2:31 pm 
Nursery

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How great thou art, Mormon Jesus.


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 Post subject: Re: Mormon Discussions and Covenants
PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2014 7:20 pm 
Hermit
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Glad this was bumped up. If Revelations were drugs I'm sure MJ would be offering them for sale by the metric gram. I think that's the most insightful categorization of hymns I've ever seen and this is evidence of theistic design.


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