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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:25 pm 
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Oh Mormon Jesus, thou has taught us thy mysteries in parables. Thus I have prayed unto thee in the same manner. Thou hast not had the eyes to see it; and I am sorely grieved. Thy servant Franktalk hast tried to help me; and I have prayed these many more nights-but in vain. And now I see that thou has asked me, thy faithful maidservant, to give unto another who hath not. Yea, happily would I do so, but I am unable to find my way home. Where I am now they have only one single horse of a different color. Even the god from this world has now flown away without me; yea, and my dogs are really tired as they are trapped in tight seas of red. Even so, I hold my dog tightly in my arms. Please have mercy on me.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:37 pm 
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MJ,

I am so sorry. I got you all mixed up with a lessor god. The Book of the lessor god was inspired in 1900 whereas yours was much earlier. What I find so confusing is that the lessor god received its image awards in 1940 whereas you received nothing for the images in 1956 except for the miracles. I can understand why you smite us so often.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 7:20 am 
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Franktalk wrote:
...a lessor god.
Insomuch as we are required to make prescribed payments in exchange for the right to occupy a space in the temple, we are verily Children of a Lessor God.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2012 5:38 pm 
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Bret Ripley wrote:
Franktalk wrote:
...a lessor god.
Insomuch as we are required to make prescribed payments in exchange for the right to occupy a space in the temple, we are verily Children of a Lessor God.
My underline.


Excellent, Ripley.



And you too, Mormon Jesus. As always.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2012 5:59 pm 
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Come now, don't we all pay for everything in one way or another? Just who is the ultimate owner of the universe? Isn't it true that even our bodies are like unto a rental car? Who amongst you can claim ownership of anything? Let him stand and declare knowledge of such things. Give credit to the high creditor least He partially blind you into obedience anyway.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2012 11:56 pm 
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Franktalk wrote:
Come now, don't we all pay for everything in one way or another? Just who is the ultimate owner of the universe? Isn't it true that even our bodies are like unto a rental car? Who amongst you can claim ownership of anything? Let him stand and declare knowledge of such things. Give credit to the high creditor least He partially blind you into obedience anyway.


Oh Mormon Jesus, sometimes it seemeth more difficult than other times. Nevertheless, thy handmaiden will still:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc4e-HdlhPY

Please, give me strength. Oh, and before I forgetteth, I still cannot find my way home. I'm just sayin'....not trying to be critical. I knoweth thou art very busy.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:19 am 
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This has to be the bestest thread evah! Just sayin''!!!


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 8:15 am 
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Big Red wrote:
This has to be the bestest thread evah! Just sayin''!!!

:lol:! So true! I hope we get another installment in this thread today from "Mormon Jesus". Damn funny stuff.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 6:37 am 
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MJ,

Why Hast thou turned thy back to us Most High. Surely we have not cast thee in a bad light like a cheap movie set. Are we not the apple of your eye? Have you forsaken us and gone to MDD? Oh the horror. Turn your face to us so we may receive and be re-established in your words. If someone has offended then instruct us so we may cast them into the dark pit of moderation and banishment. Be our guide so we may stay on the path to enlightenment and avoid the pitfalls of man's evil and oft times deranged links to nowhere. Where a guy in the basement of grandma's house seeks national recognition. Please open our eyes so we can see.

Of course you may be just taking a break. Like the seventh day. But thou has work to do and the clock stops for no one except you when you want it to.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 2:58 pm 
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Section 148

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions the Message Board, 29 July 2012. Because of increasing persecution and vexatious moderating, many members of the Board had been compelled to leave Mormon Dialogue & Discussions. The mass banning order signed by Juliann had left them no alternative. In 2012, when this revelation was received, the Board was occupying the former message board of ZLMB, and had been built up by the members of Mormon Discussions, and here the headquarters of the Lord's followers had been established.

1-7; Mercy and whatnot to them that believe; 8-15, The Jaredites were cancelled, but their story is still in syndication; 16-18, Does anyone even read these verse by verse summaries?; 19-26, Seriously, they’re just filler. Nobody but the saddest, most obsessive-compulsive student of the scriptures needs this little preview; 27-34, And if this was being read aloud in Sunday school, nobody would be paying attention, anyway; 35-40, You could probably say something like, in this Section, the Lord commands us to multiply and replenish with cephalopods, and everyone in the class would just nod and mutter some vague agreement; 41-50, It’s just like those form contracts you fill out but never read. Nobody bothers to read the fine print of what the Lord is commanding you to do; 51-58, And certainly nobody is reading this part. There could be swear words or dirty limericks up here for all you know, but you would still just go around saying, Uhh, errr, oh, yeah, I love the scriptures, duuhhhhh……; 59-14, You wouldn’t even notice if the verses were out of order in this summary up here; 62-70, Now watch, this will end with a summary of what the last few verses really say, and nobody will know the difference, because all they see in this part is a vague blur that they just skip over; 71-75, Even if there was a gun pointed at your head, not one of you could explain why these summaries are necessary; 76-80, the everlasting covenant is exciting and new.

1. Verily thus sayeth the Lord, unto my servants upon this Board, for I am well pleased with your offerings and acknowledgments that you have made,
2. And I say unto you, take yourselves my yoke upon you, for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light,
3. Yea, and that is why I am easy, yea, easy like Sunday morning,
4. For I am merciful unto them that believe in me; yea, remember ye how I have worked many miracles a long time ago, in diverse places, among people whose existence is not necessarily verified,
5. And in relying on this history of things that ye are not altogether sure really happened, thou shalt learn to walk by faith, and shall cease not to believe,
6. Yea, do not stop believing,
7. Hold on to that feeling,
8. For if thou shalt believe, then it shall come to pass that I shall work an mighty work among you, even as I did among the Jaredites,
9. Yea, sit right back and thou shalt hear a tale, even of a faithful trip, that started in Mesopotamia, aboard eight tiny ships,
10. Mahonri was a mighty man of faith, his brother brave and sure,
11. Their people all set sail in that day for a year-long tour, yea, a year-long tour,
12. And it came to pass that the weather started to get rough, and their tiny ships were tossed, and if not for the courage of the fearless Jaredites, their barges would be lost,
13. Yea, their barges would be lost,
14. But it came to pass that their ships set down on the shore of this uncharted promised land, with Jared; his brother, too; Coriantumr, and Shiz;
15. The prophet Ether and Coriantor, here on the promised land;
16. And if thou shalt have faith that I did these mighty works among the Jaredites, then shalt thou also have faith that I might also work mighty works of working among you;
17. And many wonders and signs have I shown on this, my discussion board; yea, thou saw the sign, and it opened up thine eyes, thou saw the sign,
18. Now shall another sign be done among the people of this board,
19. Let my servant EAllusion, and my handmaiden Liz3564, and my servant Dr. Shades, and others build a thread unto my name, such a one as my servant Nightlion shall show them, upon the forum which he shall show them also,
20. And it shall be for a thread for hanging out, a thread that lurkers may come from afar to lurk therein; therefore let it be a good thread, worthy of all acceptation, that the weary lurker may find health and safety while he shall contemplate the word of the Lord; and the cornerstone I have appointed for Mormon Discussions.
21. This thread shall be a healthful habitation if it be built unto my name, and if the moderator which shall be appointed unto it shall not suffer any trolling to come upon it. It shall be holy, or the Lord your God will not dwell therein.
22. And again, verily I say unto you, let all my board members come from afar.
23. And send ye swift private messages, yea, chosen messages, and say unto them: Come ye, with all your gold, and your silver, and your precious stones, and your costume jewelry, and your rhinestones, and with all your antiques; and with all who like to watch Antiques Roadshow, that will come, may come, and bring the box-tree, and the fir-tree, and the pine-tree, and the Christmas tree, and The Giving Tree together with all the precious trees of the earth;
24. And with iron, with copper, and with brass, and with zinc, and with molybdenum, and with tumbaga, and with strontium, and with beryllium, and with ferronickel, and with osmium, and with mithril, and with all your precious things of the earth, and semi-precious things if they are likewise on sale; and build a thread to my name, for the Most High to dwell therein; for nothing is too good for me, sayeth the Lord of City Creek.
25. And it shall come to pass that if you build a thread unto my name, and do not do the things that I say, I will not perform the oath which I make unto you, neither fulfil the promises which ye expect at my hands, saith the Lord.
26. For instead of blessings, ye, by your own works, bring cursings, wrath, indignation, censure, denunciation, malediction, reproof, reprobation, imprecation, and judgments, and all manner of like synonyms upon your own heads, by your trolling, and by all your abominations, which you practise before me, saith the Lord.
27. Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their adiligence, and their enemies come upon them and bhinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings.
28. But remember also that I give no commandments unto the children of men, save I shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which I command them.
29. Wherefore, marvel not that both of the above are true, for it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things, yea, even so as to include an opposition among the eternal principles that I reveal unto my servants as to what is expedient at any given moment;
30. Therefore, for this cause have I accepted the offerings of those whom I commanded to post messages unto my name, on Mormon Dialogue & Discussions, and were hindered by their enemies, saith the Lord your God.
31. For I am the Lord your God, and will save all those of your brethren who have been pure in their posts, and have been banned from the board of Mormon Dialogue & Discussions, saith the Lord.
32. (For verily it is meet that I remind thee every couple of sentences that I am the Lord, lest ye forget who is speaking to thee in my revelations.)
33. And now I say unto you, as pertaining to my thread which I have commanded you to build for the lurking of lurkers, let it be built unto my name, and let my name be named upon it, and let my servant Nightlion and his house have place therein, from software update to software update.
34. And let the name of that thread be called Nauvoo House Thread; and let it be a delightful thread for man, and a resting-place for the weary lurker, that he may contemplate the glory of Mormon Discussions, and the glory of this, the cornerstone thereof;
35. Behold, verily I say unto you, let my servant LDSToronto, and my servant Sophocles, and my servant Consiglieri, and my handmaiden MsJack, organize themselves, and appoint one of them to be a president over their quorum for the purpose of building that thread.
36. And they shall form a constitution, whereby they may receive stock for the building of that thread.
37. And they shall not receive less than fifty dollars for a share of stock in that thread, and they shall be permitted to receive fifteen thousand dollars from any one man for stock in that house. For behold, I am the Lord; I set the firmament above you; I laid the foundations of the earth; wherefore, surely shall I set the price of stock when I shall command an IPO for those things which are consecrated in my name,
38. Yea, I am that underwriter whom the prophets of old foretold,
39. For Bear Sterns may pass away, yea, and also Lehman Brothers, but my IPO shall not pass away, but shall continue from eternity to eternity,
40. But as to them whom I have called and set apart to be my lead underwriters, they shall not receive less than fifty dollars for a share of stock in that thread, and they shall be permitted to receive fifteen thousand dollars from any one board member for stock in that thread.
41. And if there be any who shall ask what exactly they are getting in return for their fifty dollars, or their fifteen thousand dollars, as the case may be, behold, those whom I have ordained as my lead underwriters shall remind that board member to have faith in me, as I have heretofore explained;
42. And they shall not be permitted to receive under fifty dollars for a share of stock from any one board member in that thread. Behold, did I not just barely say the par value is fifty dollars? Verily,I swear ye people are afflicted with ADD;
43. And they shall not be permitted to receive any board member, as a stockholder in this thread, except the same shall pay his stock into their hands at the time he receives stock,
44. And in proportion to the amount of stock a board member pays into their hands he or she shall receive stock in that thread; but if he or she pays nothing into their hands he or she shall not receive any stock in that thread.
45. Verily, this really ought to be self-explanatory, that a person shall not receive a thing that is for sale until the purchase price has been tendered, and that person shall receive goods or services proportionate to how much money has been paid, for in this wise has commerce been transacted since approximately the beginning of time, such that even a little girl running a lemonade stand comprehendeth it; and yet ye need the Lord to explain it to you from on high,
46. Nevertheless, I, the Lord, am well pleased in the sound of mine own voice, and on this wise shall I speak all manner of superfluous things, and also that which is redundant, and there shall even be, unnecessary commas from time to time, and an abundance of prepositions, that ye may know that I, the Lord, am the Lord;
47. And if mine anointed underwriters do appropriate any portion of that stock anywhere else, only in that thread, without the consent of the stockholder, and do not repay fourfold for the stock which they appropriate anywhere else, only in that thread, they shall be accursed, and shall be moved out of their place, saith the Lord God; for I, the Lord, am God, and cannot be mocked in any of these things.
48. For all manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men, but the unauthorized increase of shares outstanding shall not be forgiven, neither in this world, nor in the world to come,
49. Yea, it shall be better that a millstone had been hung around their necks, than that they diluted my market cap, saith the Lord of Corporations;
50. Verily I say unto you, let my servant Nightlion pay stock into their hands for the building of that thread, as seemeth him good; but my servant Nightlion cannot pay over fifteen thousand dollars stock in that thread, nor under fifty dollars; neither can any other board member, saith the Lord.
51. And if he shall pay forty and nine dollars, my wrath shall be kindled, and if he shall pay fifteen thousand and one dollars, he shall be cast into the lake of fire,
52. Good me almighty, how many times do I have to explain this to ye people? Fifty dollars is the minimum, fifteen thousand is the maximum!
53. And there are others also who wish to know my will concerning them, for they have asked it at my hands, for they must be spoon fed, and cannot figure it out amongst themselves;
54. Therefore, I say unto you concerning my servant Dark Helmet, if he will do my will let him put stock into that thread for himself, and for his sock puppets after him, from generation to generation.
55. And let him lift up his voice long and loud, in the midst of the board members, to plead the cause of the poor and the needy; and let him not fail, neither let his heart faint; and I will accept of his offerings, for they shall not be unto me as the offerings of Droopy, for he shall be mine, saith the Lord.
56. Nevertheless one might marvel how it is that the poor and needy shall be able to get much benefit from their cause being plead, as I have commanded so many of my followers to buy stock in this, mine holy IPO; for mathematically it just worketh out that there is less money to go around with all these people investing fifty to fifteen thousand dollars in stock,
57. Verily, I am the Lord; let me worry about that, for unto you it is appointed to hand over thy money, and have faith,
58. Let Dark Helmet's family rejoice and turn away their hearts from affliction; for I have chosen him and anointed him, and he shall be honored in the midst of this message board, for I will forgive all his sins, saith the Lord. Amen.
59. Yea, his sins will be forgiven because he shall pay moneys that he may receive stock, notwithstanding that my servant Moroni condemned that day when there shall be churches built up that say, Come unto me and for your money you shall be forgiven of your sins,
60. For again, there must be opposition in all things, and surely my word shall be included in the superset of "all things";
61. Verily, let my handmaiden Angsty put stock in that thread, as seemeth her good, for herself and her sock puppets after her, from generation to generation,
62. And unto my handmaiden Madison54, thus saith the Lord: Give me fifty bucks.
63. And let also Cafe Crema buy some stock; and Everybody Wang Chung; and Karl61; and Elphaba; and.....
64. Yea, thou gettest the idea, wherefore, trouble me not to list every single member of this, my message board;
65. But beware of those board members, who come unto you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves,
66. Verily, in touch with the ground, they are on the hunt, they are after you,
67. Smell like they sound, they are lost in a crowd, and they are hungry like the wolf;
68. But that ye may know that I am the Lord, I shall speak regarding they who most certainly are not a danger to the board, and I shall prophecy concerning them whom I shall appoint, for they are trusthworthy, and surely I cannot be mistaken, for I am the Lord God Omniscient;
69. Therefore, let my servant Joseph go and proclaim my everlasting message board with a loud voice, and with great joy, as he shall be moved upon by my Spirit, unto the inhabitants of Further Light And Knowledge, and also unto the inhabitants of Mormon Dialogue & Discussions, and also unto the inhabitants of New Order Mormon, and also unto the inhabitants of Times and Seasons, and await patiently and diligently for further instructions in chat, saith the Lord.
70. If he will do my will let him from henceforth hearken to the counsel of my moderators, and with his interest support the cause of the board, and acknowledge that there is no copyright infringement going on here,
71. And if he will do this I will bless him with a multiplicity of blessings, that he shall not be banned, nor his memory be a source of consternation.
72. And again, verily I say unto you, let my servant Joseph be appointed, ordained, and anointed, as a moderator, for surely he should be entrusted with control over this board;
73. Again, let my servant SeattleGhostWriter help you in your labor in sending my word to the board administrators and board members of the internet, and stand by you, even you my servants on this board, in the hour of my holy board being shut down; and his reward shall not fail if he make not frivolous allegations against my board.
74. And for his love he shall be great, for he shall be mine if he do this, saith the Lord. I have seen the stories which he hath written concerning a man cleaving unto his wife, which I accept if he continue, and will crown him with blessings and great glory.
75. Yea, the might and power of his mustache shall not fail, for surely the ladies cannot withstand his manhood.
76. Remember, all who love me shall be rewarded,
77. For love is life's sweetest reward,
78. Let it flow, it floats back to you.
79. Yea, love shall not hurt anymore
80. It is like unto an open smile on a friendly shore. Amen.


Last edited by Mormon Jesus on Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:24 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 3:04 pm 
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Jesus Christ. Can I get the clif notes version of that?

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~Those who benefit from the status quo always attribute inequities to the choices of the underdog.~Ann Crittenden
~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 4:15 pm 
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just me wrote:
Jesus Christ. Can I get the clif notes version of that?
I think a few sections of the D&C would suffice. :lol:

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Huckelberry said:
I see the order and harmony to be the very image of God which smiles upon us each morning as we awake.

http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/a ... cc_toc.htm


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 4:28 pm 
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just me wrote:
Jesus Christ. Can I get the clif notes version of that?

That's what the summary at the beginning is for. :biggrin:

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 5:25 pm 
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CaliforniaKid wrote:
just me wrote:
Jesus Christ. Can I get the clif notes version of that?

That's what the summary at the beginning is for. :biggrin:


Doh :redface:

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 5:49 pm 
God
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
27. Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their adiligence, and their enemies come upon them and bhinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings.


Dear Jesus,

When thou cutteth and pasteth from LDS.org, let not there be any footnotes in thy cuttings and thy pastings, lest ye be like unto Nephi, when he plagiarized the translation errors of the apostate Bible.

Thy humble servant,

-CaliforniaKid

P.S. Please do not smite me.

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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 5:55 pm 
God
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CaliforniaKid wrote:
Mormon Jesus wrote:
27. Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their adiligence, and their enemies come upon them and bhinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings.


Dear Jesus,

When thou cutteth and pasteth from LDS.org, let not there be any footnotes in thy cuttings and thy pastings, lest ye be like unto Nephi, when he plagiarized the translation errors of the apostate Bible.

Thy humble servant,

-CaliforniaKid

P.S. Please do not smite me.


BWAHAHAHAHA!

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~The Goddess is not separate from the world-She is the world and all things in it.~


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:42 pm 
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CaliforniaKid wrote:
Mormon Jesus wrote:
27. Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their adiligence, and their enemies come upon them and bhinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more at the hands of those sons of men, but to accept of their offerings.


Dear Jesus,

When thou cutteth and pasteth from LDS.org, let not there be any footnotes in thy cuttings and thy pastings, lest ye be like unto Nephi, when he plagiarized the translation errors of the apostate Bible.

Thy humble servant,

-CaliforniaKid

P.S. Please do not smite me.


CaliforniaKid is asking the wrong questions. The primary question should be whether this thread brings us closer to an understanding of the Mormon Jesus. While there may be some things about this thread that secular scholarship does not completely understand, we need to put these things on the shelf so we can focus on the right questions.

In furtherance of his agenda, CaliforniaKid also shows his lack of understanding of how revelation works. As these revelations have been received on the board, the transcriber probably recognized that certain things he was receiving were similar to the LDS edition of the Doctrine & Covenants, and so he just borrowed the language from those verses.

Putting on my apologist hat, I would say the evidence is essentially evenly balanced as to whether the posts from Mormon Jesus are actual revelations from Jesus Christ. And I think that's about where things are supposed to be.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 11:07 pm 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
46. Nevertheless, I, the Lord, am well pleased in the sound of mine own voice, and on this wise shall I speak all manner of superfluous things, and also that which is redundant, and there shall even be, unnecessary commas from time to time, and an abundance of prepositions, that ye may know that I, the Lord, am the Lord;

Yea, Lord, thou art verily a Lord of redundancy and of many unnecessary words, and now I know that I know nothing regarding the artful use of flowery verbiage, which thing I never had supposed.


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 2:09 am 
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That last installment doth make my head spinneth and/or hurteth with pain as such to cause me to have a stupor of thought......


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 3:47 am 
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Mormon Jesus wrote:
72. And again, verily I say unto you, let my servant Joseph be appointed, ordained, and anointed, as a moderator, for surely he should be entrusted with control over this board[.]

Thou sayest hard things against us, yea, even more than we can bear.

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"You want to know what Joseph Smith looked like in Nauvoo? Just look at Trump."

--Fence Sitter, 01-25-2018


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 Post subject: Re: A Warning to Mormon Discussions
PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 8:44 am 
God

Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 11:00 am
Posts: 1068
This thread makes me feel stupid for having ever believed in Mormonism.

And it is some of the funniest stuff I have ever read.


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