Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_Mormon Jesus]

Section 166

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 9 June 2014. Despite the mere existence of this thread being compelling evidence that Jesus Christ was in fact giving revelations to an internet message board, some skeptics remained unconvinced that the God of Israel was a Mormon, was born and lived in 1st century Palestine as Jesus of Nazareth, came back to life three days after being crucified, appeared to the ancient Nephites in America, directed Joseph Smith to restore the one true church, and now was personally dictating messages of divine wisdom to MormonDiscussions.com. These skeptics failed to realize that the sheer audacity of the claim was evidence that the claim was true. The Lord further clarified this principle with the following revelation concerning manifestations of the Spirit.

1-6, Members of the board are commanded to make the Lord feel like He is in command, because He is the only one who understands; 7-11, the Lord's promises are not like the promises of men, as the Lord's promises are much easier to rationalize as having been fulfilled; 12-15, miscellaneous comments; 16-39, many wonderful truths of various sorts are revealed that I don't want to spoil by telling you about them up here; 40-42, Everyone is waiting on you, and you have got time.

1. Hearken, ye people of my board, for I am the Lord, who has commanded thee to have no other gods before me,
2. And has also commanded that ye shall love the Lord with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might,
3. Yea, I, want thee to make me feel like I am the only God in the world,
4. Like I am the only one that thou shalt ever love,
5. Like I am the only one who knoweth thine heart,
6. (Only God in the world),
7. And now verily, I, the Lord, speak unto whom it may concern:
8. Yea, it hath come unto mine attention, that some of ye have questioned how they can know the truth of all things, seeing as how I, the Lord, did promise that through the Holy Ghost ye could know the truth of all things,
9. Or in other words, I did promise to pour out my Spirit, yet some of ye feel as if this were the type of promise a man maketh when he is running for office, or bribing his children to do their homework, or the kind of promises a man might make when going on a date or to his wife, or selling a used car, or being interviewed on CNN or 60 Minutes,
10. Yea, these kinds of promises and representations, as opposed to the kind of promise that ye might sincerely intend to fulfill, not just for show, nor to trick people to do what ye want,
11. Behold, ye who esteem my gospel as somewhat of a phishing scheme do err, for ye do not understand that I have poured out my Spirit in abundance, for whatsoever thing that shall happen may be said after the fact to have been a manifestation of a spiritual gift,
12. And these gifts are not given unto him that seeketh a sign from me, but rather are given as a sign unto those who ask of me,
13. For there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God,
14. O, yea, and also unto women, for I, the Lord, verily hold women in the same regard as men, notwithstanding that the former cannot hold mine holy priesthood; for all are alike unto me, except that some are alike in ways that others are not alike,
15. Yea, and now let Me, the Lord, consult my holy notes for a moment, as I have gotten off on a tangent here...
16. O, behold, it was gifts of the Spirit that I, the Lord, was discussing,
17. For unto some it is given to believe in belief, and this same gift shall be called knowledge among you,
18. And unto others is given the gift to believe whatsoever thing they are told by the directors and officers of mine holy Corporation,
19. And unto yet others is given the gift not to believe anything, for verily, it doth take great faith not to believe, and faith is a gift that cometh through faith,
20. Wherefore, it is by the power of faith that ye shall receive faith, and also by the power of faith that some shall have the faith to not have faith, that there may be opposition in all things,
21. For if some did not receive the gift of the Spirit to have no faith, then there could be no gift to have faith,
22. And in this manner shall the Lord confound the wise, that the self-sure and the gullible shall bring the wisdom of men to naught,
23. Unto some is given the gift of knowing the differences of administration, notwithstanding that the gift of knowing the differences of administration would be a necessary requirement to know in the first place if any of this cometh from God; yet I, the Lord, only give this gift to some,
24. And unto some is given the gift to know the differences of operations, whether they be from God or not, and this raiseth the question of how ye shall know if the gift of differences of operations doth itself come from God,
25. Wherefore, I shall give unto some the gift of knowing the operations of operations, and that this may be understood, the gift of operations of operations of operations shall be given, and thus onward to eternity,
26. Unto some is given the gift of wisdom, and unto others the gift of knowledge, and unto yet others the gift of foolishness, and the gift of ignorance, for the wisdom of God is foolishness unto man; wherefore, I give foolishness unto men that they may be wise,
27. Or something,
28. Unto some is given the gift to heal, and others the gift to be healed, and to others the gift not to be healed, that ye may say that whatsoever thing shall occur, it was my will, notwithstanding that ye might ask what is the point, if my will shall come to pass no matter what thou doeth,
29. Behold, he who wondereth such things is a buzzkill, who offends my Spirit, but this also could be a gift of the Spirit, depending on what thou needeth to tell thyself to get to sleep at night on any particular occasion,
30. Yea, and the gift of working miracles, and of prophecy, and of speaking in tongues, and in understanding tongues, shall be given to some,
31. And if on some occasion it would have been extremely useful for me to have manifested these gifts among you, and yet I did not, then ye shall know that ye simply do not have these gifts, or that it was my will, or that these gifts were manifested in some vague way that cannot be observed, or that there is a reason for all things that ye shall fully understand on the other side of the veil,
32. Yea, any or all of these explanations shall suffice for me, saith the Lord,
33. For behold, in this way shall miracles and gifts of the Spirit be defined in such a way that they cannot possibly be falsified or readily ascertained, and yet ye may also say that they are true and always manifest,
34. And I have promised that if ye knock it shall be opened unto you, seek and ye shall find, and that by the power of the Holy Ghost ye shall know the truth of all things,
35. And if any of you feel like I have not sent my Spirit in answer to thy prayers, know thou that sometimes I, the Lord, answer prayers by not answering them,
36. As also I sometimes work miracles by not working them, and create the universe by not creating it, and bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man by not bringing it to pass,
37. And if any of these things confuse thee, behold, thou shalt bear thy testimony, and all will be well,
38. And if ye have not a testimony, then thou shalt say thou knowest these things are true even if thou doth not know it, that things may become true because thou wantest them to be true,
39. Verily, ye shall press forward in faith, even if thou has not faith, and if thou does have faith, thou shalt press forward in having faith in thy faith,
40. Yea, taking steps is easy, standing still is hard,
41. Remember all their faces, remember all their voices,
42. Everything is different the second time around. Even so. Amen.

[_grindael]

OFFICIAL DECLARATION 4

Declaration given to Mormon Discussions 9 June 2014 by Gazeatem, who wanted to declare what the Lord through the Ghost that is Holy hath decreed in former times, knowing that in these latter times that such declarations may change without notice.

1-7, What I decree, I decree — my Smith and his instrument— the understanding of the Sole—the danger of the water — beware the Water of the Board— vengeance by Water of the Board and the Conventions of Geneva 8-10, Decrees may be revoked by more light and knowledge that is even more than before— the Lack of Wits—the anxiety of the brethren of the Sole and the welfare of it—the promise of Type E and the wisdom of Spacey 9-12, Forgetfulness and The Ghost who is Holy and the power of Testimony—of gibberish and jargon 13-16, The RUSH of Grand Designs—the ripoff of lyrics—more of the ripoff of lyrics 17-19, I the Lord, am FAIR, and let those who do little get a lot—the 11:30 and Saturday Night—the copy of rights and relinquishment thereof.

1. I do declare! What I, the Lord have decreed I have decreed, unless I haven’t decreed it.
2. I speak of my decrees because I, the Lord, have spoken in these last days by my prophet Smith who I decreed would come in the latter days
3. For Behold, as I have saith to Isaiah: I have created the Smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy. Thus have I shown that my Smith was authorized by his instrument to taketh many virgins to wife, and that he bloweth, by the words of his mouth.
4. He that peepeth, letteth him understand what the Lord sayeth to the heads of my Corporation Sole.
5. Ride thou not on the waters, for the destroyer seeks to soak thee, and there my Waster lurks, to destroy those who ride on the waters, by boat, by tire, by tube and ski.
6. And beware the Water of the Board, which I have given into the hands of the Gentiles to causeth lack of breath. Fear the water, say I, the Lord, Fear it good.
7. He who confesseth not that my Smith has come, will see the vengeance of the Water of the Board, for I the Lord have spoken it, and declared that it is Constitutional and doth not violate the Conventions of Geneva.
8. What I, the Lord have decreed I have decreed, unless it becometh as folklore, then it is not a decree and can be revoked as a revelation to all who believe that my Corporation speaketh with more light and knowledge than in times when they also claimed to speak with more light and knowledge.
9. Yea, you may forget everything I have decreed and everything my servants have said, for they spoke with Limited Understanding and lack of wits, which I have continued to bestow upon those who become the Oracles of my Corporation.
10. Still, my little flock, great is the anxiety of the brethren of the Corporation for the welfare of the Sole, and I know they do diligently watch, and pray and long to be Type E which only can be bestowed by the hand of Spacey, him whom I have foreordained before the foundations of K-Pax.
11. Now I, the Lord, have decreed (on occasion) and though I could send my messengers, or my Smith, who hath departed, I have not, because I the Lord find it much more convenient to sendeth my Ghost, who is Holy, and bringeth to the hearts of men the doctrine of Correlation, which the CES must needs explain to the Seminary.
12. For Behold, no man can know the power of Testimony, for it appeareth as gibberish, and jargon, and this by the RUSH of my Grand Designs.
13. So much style without substance. So much stuff without style. It’s hard to recognize the real thing, that comes along once in a while. Like rare and precious metal plates, found with magic rocks, it takes some time and trouble so separate from the stock.
14. You sometimes have to listen to a lot of useless talk.
15. Here she come now sayin Testi—mony, hey she give me love and I feel alright now, cause you make me feel so good, so fine, and I feel alright, I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
16. I love you Testi—mony, mo-mo-mony, come on, come on, feel alright and say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
17. For those who labor in the heat of the day and worketh for long hours shall in no wise get more than those who work for only for a short time. Am I not FAIR, sayeth the Lord?
18. Behold, it is the eleventh hour, and soon cometh the time of the eleven-thirty, when no work shall be done, for it is Saturday Night and I, the Lord, must watch Jonah of Hill.
19. © Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights relinquished.

[_Sammy Jankins]

40. Yea, taking steps is easy, standing still is hard,
41. Remember all their faces, remember all their voices,
42. Everything is different the second time around. Even so. Amen

Does Mormon Jesus watch Orange is the New Black?

[_I have a question]

I've been praying to Mormon Jesus for a while know, and all I'm getting is a stupor of thought....

[_cwald]

I humbly petition you dear Mormon Jesus. We need further light and knowledge on this matter.

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=40785&p=951048#p951048

[_SteelHead]

Mormon Jesus hasn't been around in ages.

[_cwald]

North Korea nuclear missiles, Trump in the White House, Net Neutrality revoked, Dan Peterson cut-n-paste, MG trolls sacking villages at will...where is Mormon Jesus when you need him?

Finding lost car keys for spoiled Utah girls? Watching bowl game on Kolob? Downloading videos from his favorite porn site?

I don't know. Maybe Mormon Jesus is dead. But we sure could use further light and knowledge on this New year's eve.

[_Tator]

The Mormon Jesus needs some help from his higher ups. I hope he gets help of some sort anything is better than what we're getting.

[_Kittens_and_Jesus]

Why not try Kittens and Jesus, kinda like a mall Santa. We all know I'm not the real deal (despite the kittens), just sit on my lap and ask away!

[_Mormon Jesus]

Section 167

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 13 February 2018. The word of the Lord had been absent from the Board for some time, due to Dr. Shades' baffling OCD tendencies. The word of the Lord had been partitioned away from the rest of the Board, the discussion had been separated and thereby defeated the very purpose of a message board, and Dr. Shades had also made it so the word of the Lord could not be edited after the fact, which is contrary to the principles of latter-day scripture. This had offended the Lord and caused him to withdraw from His message board, and irritated a lot of other people as well, but having given up any hope that someone would ever take the hint, the Lord at last spoke again unto the Board. At the time of this revelation, many board members were musing over the newly appointed president of His corporation, Dallin H. Oaks Russell M. Nelson. The following revelation was neither asked for nor expected, yet here we are.

1-6, Pay tithing or be turned into Bigfoot; 7-18, someone or other is definitely leading the saints, and Jeff Dunham has something to do with this, I guess?; 19-20, [this space deliberately left blank]; 21-24, Scott Lloyd is a man for all seasons; 25-30, who are you going to believe, the Lord or your lying eyes?; 31-35, the president of the church, whoever that might be, has done mighty works, whatever those might be; 36-39, call a police and a fireman.

1. Behold and hearken unto me, yea, the Lord, even Jesus Christ,
2. For all shall acknowledge me and know that I am, and when I speak, all shall say, Christ Almighty,
3. And all shall pay heed; nevertheless I, the Lord, do not want thee to pay heed, for whatsoever shall I, the Lord, do with heed?
4. Ye art like Cain, who offered me that which I do not want, and was rejected, and cast out, and became Master Mahan, yea, even Sasquatch, who roameth the hills and accosteth thy pioneer ancestors,
5. Verily, pay me not heed, but pay me tithes, even the utmost farthing, and worry not about feeding thy family first,
6. For I, the Lord, will tithe thee until thou lovest me,
7. Yea, and for this purpose I, the Lord, have raised up wise men to lead mine holy corporation, from Joseph Smith unto he whom I have called to be the head of my corporation at this time, Dallin Harris Oaks, who......
8. Verily, what was that?
9. Really? Thou art sure?
10. Behold, mine angel has brought it to mine attention that I, the Lord, have in fact called my servant Russell M. Nelson to lead my corporation at this time, and it must have been a slip of the tongue, yea, mine holy tongue, to have blurted out anything otherwise,
11. Yea, I have called my servant Russell to lead my corporation and my servant Dallin to assist him, even as those hilarious puppets are assisted by Jeff Dunham,
12. Behold, when he doeth that thing with Achmed the Terrorist, it cracketh up me, even the Lord, the greatest of all,
13. For I, the Lord, will sustain the middlebrow hacks whom I will sustain, but of you it is required to sustain all middlebrow hacks,
14. And this shall be liked unto.....O for my name's sake, now what?
15. Yea, just a minute (this being a minute unto the reckoning of the earth on which thou standest, and not a minute unto the reckoning of the Lord according to Kolob, which would be a couple of years or something to thee),
16. ...........
17. Behold, mine angel hath again spoken unto me and declared that a ventriloquist with a puppet is in no wise the best image that I, the Lord, should invoke when speaking of the relationship between my servants Dallin and Russell,
18. Yea, perhaps he hath a point, that I, the Lord, have said too much,
19. Wherefore, I command unto you to forget, and that you cast those preceding words into the memory hole, whose width and depth are without measure in mine holy gospel,
20. And again I say unto thee: move along, for behold, there is nothing to see here,
21. For strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, of eternal truths to which my holy corporation will commit, and there be few that find it,
22. Yea, those few like unto my servant Scott, whom ye callest the Dawg, in whom I am well pleased, for he knoweth the score of what eternal and unchanging truths are fundamental at this particular moment in time,
23. But wide is the gate, and broad is the way, of things my servants have never spake and did not speak and certainly do not believe anymore, and there be many which go thereat to these things which are not fit for man and have been cast into the memory hole, which do not exist and never did exist,
24. And for this reason the faithful will not see verses 7 through 18, for behold, they are not there,
25. Ye have heard it said that some have seen with the eye of faith that which cannot be seen with temporal eyes, even through the veil,
26. But I say unto you that through the eye of faith, ye shall have the power to not see things at all, yea, even though all thy senses and thine temporal mind will tell thee those things are right there before thee,
27. And again, ye have heard my words that if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall be able to move mountains,
28. But if ye have pure faith, ye shall have power to deny that mountains even exist,
29. As it is written in olden times, the brother of Jared did say unto Mount Zerin, Remove, and it was removed,
30. But I say unto you now, that those like unto my servant Scott, and even my past servants Gordon, and Bruce, and many other mighty men of valor, have looked upon great mountains, and said through the eye of faith, Behold, there is nothing there at all,
31. And through the eye of faith, ye shall be able to dissemble mightily in my name, even as my servant Dallin, the president of mine holy corporation.....
32. What? Gesticulate not at me, the Lord; just say whatever it is,
33. O, right: I, the Lord, didst do it again,
34. Disregard verse 31, for I, the Lord, meant to say my servant Russell is the president of mine holy corporation; and I, the Lord, am sure he hath done any number of mighty works in my name, which I, the Lord, will be sure to list one of these times,
35. Wherefore, go forth and do the works of Russell, whatever those might be, and also cast that which is not meet in my sight to the memory hole,
36. For I am the Lord of hosts, full of truth and light, yea, and I shall kiss myself, for I am so pretty
37. And every knee shall bow, and tongue confess, that Jesus is the Christ, and mine handmaidens shall hit their hallelujah,
38. For these are the last days, even Saturday night, and all are in the spot,
39. And if ye do not believe me, just watch. Amen.