Mormons Ban Easter Bunny

[_KimberlyAnn]

DIPS - Deseret Intenational Press Service

The Easter Bunny has been banned from Mormon homes worldwide after a breakdown in negotiations with members of the Quorum of the Twelve.

Boyd K. Packer was reportedly in negotiations with the Easter Bunny over his visiting the homes of Mormon children on Sunday, thereby breaking the Sabbath. The first presidency issued a proclamation for the Easter Bunny stating that all egg hiding and candy delivery should occur on the Saturday immediately preceding Easter in order to preserve the sanctity of the Sabbath and keep the focus of Easter on Joseph Smith.

The Easter Bunny has declined to change his schedule to appease the Mormons, and as Elder Packer claims, “turned his long ears from the truth.” Elder Bednar called the bunny hard and unyielding, just like an unpickled carrot. “If the Easter Bunny would only immerse his carrot in the brine of the Gospel, he would become soft and mushy, and hearken unto our council. His stubbornness leaves us no option but to ban him from the homes of Mormons worldwide.”

The following statement was issued by the Easter Bunny: “Why would I listen to the ravings of a bunch of delusional men who believe in such fairy tales as Jaredite barges, magic spectacles, and sword-wielding angels? Being banned from Mormon homes doesn’t bother me a bit and only lessens the tremendous amount of hopping I do Sunday morning and the amount of disgusting egg salad made Monday by Mormon mothers. Really, this is better for everyone involved.”

There were unconfirmed reports of Packer’s car being egged as he left the Easter Bunny’s egg dying facility as well as unconfirmed threats by Tommy Monson to catch the Easter Bunny and give him to a hungry friend for Easter dinner.

As consolation for Mormon children worldwide, President Hinckley, in his kindness, has announced that local Bishops will be handing out horehound candy from the Beehive House to the children in their wards along with baby dill pickles representing the brining of children into perfectly obedient little Mormons.

[_TAK]

I have heard that the Church leaders are also demanding all See's Easter eggs and the rugrats can keep the Russell Stover crap.

[_Bond...James Bond]

So is Easter candy being renamed "Jesus Sweets"?

[_Doctor Steuss]

So is Easter candy being renamed "Jesus Sweets"?

Only on the Neverland Ranch.

[_KimberlyAnn]

I have heard that the Church leaders are also demanding all See's Easter eggs and the rugrats can keep the Russell Stover crap.

Yes, it's just like when I check the kid's Halloween candy. Everything chocolate and containing nuts is suspect and can only be consumed by mom or dad. We're willing to risk our lives for the kids. That's just the kind of parents we are.

[_TAK]

I have heard that the Church leaders are also demanding all See's Easter eggs and the rugrats can keep the Russell Stover crap.

Yes, it's just like when I check the kid's Halloween candy. Everything chocolate and containing nuts is suspect and can only be consumed by mom or dad. We're willing to risk our lives for the kids. That's just the kind of parents we are.

What good parents you are ..

[_Gazelam]

"What the Heck is she talking about?"

[_moksha]

I think the LDS Proclamation on the Bunny is a truly inspired historical document. It sets the tone for LDS policy throughout the world. Instead of relying on the rabbit, volunteers from the Relief Society (The Largest Women's Organization in the World) will decorate the eggs and the Aaronic Priesthood Boy Scouts will deliver them to worthy children. Since these young men will be Elders in a few years, no pink eggs, multi-colored eggs or eggs with tattoos will be allowed.

[_Pokatator]

Really the Easter Bunny has been embrassed over this whole tradition for years. He's been hiding his eggs to coverup his perversion for having sexual relations with chickens. Maybe he should just hide behind a fig leaf apron?